changing family roles
It is obvious that family structure, along with the roles of family members has undergone several significant changes in recent decades. There exist some debates over this topic; however, from my perspective these alterations are undeniably positive.
Some conventional family structures and roles have become obsolete. The upward trend for families with both parents working is among the most prominent revolutions. Women keep pursuing higher education and careers even after marriage instead of staying at home and becoming housewives. At the same time, husbands spend more time on domestic tasks which were once attributed to women. In addiction, people now are more inclined to nuclear family rather than extensive one. A recent survey in a high school has showed that only one in fifteen students live in a multigeneration household.
These developments exert positive effects on individuals. Firstly, families with double incomes are more likely to have a high living-standard . It is clear that children gain access to prestigious schools for well-rounded education thanks to their parents' large budgets. As the results, they are well equipped with profound knowledge and survival skills to make their career path to prosperity. Also, the whole family stand a golden chance of experiencing good services in term of healthcare, transport or entertainment. Secondly, conflicts among family members can be minimized in nuclear families. People from different age groups and occupations in multigeneration families with contradictory ideas apparently trigger frequent arguments. However, smaller age gap in nuclear families makes it easier for parents to understand their children, which in turn reduce verbal quarrels.
In brief, critics raise objections on the loss of traditional values in families, it is inevitable that practical alterations take place to meet the demand of the modern world.
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Your prompt restatement is incomplete. You indicated the topic sentence, but not the reasons for the discussion. The reason for the discussion is because of the changing family roles. You forgot to note that in your presentation, creating an incomplete restatement of the original prompt. However, you did a good job in representing your opinion as required by the essay.
There is no "upward" trend in this discussion. This is not a task 1 essay. You should make sure to use the correct reference word in the essay because your errors in word usage and vocabulary reference will result in LR deductions with every error made. It would have been better if you had said "The modern trend" instead. At least that refers to a general reference and time frame. You also said "In addiction", when you meant to say "In addition". Addiction means "the state of being compulsively committed to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming". While "addition" means to include something. Do you see now why word usage and vocabulary is very important? One single error in word usage changes the meaning of your sentence or, makes it difficult to understand.
Your conclusion is less than 40 words. It is incomplete in terms of summarizing the previous discussion. Always restate the topic, the reasons, and your opinion (if required) in this section so that you can get a good score for your reverse paraphrase.
Hi, Hereby is my feedbacks:
addiction, people now are more ....
2. The upward trend for ... --> this sentence is not expressed in clear way. I suggest using "increasingly tred" instead of "upward trend"