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Changing job; my writing should score 6 for IELTS, can you help me to improve my writing ability

intern0410 1 / 1  
Oct 11, 2017   #1
topic: Nowadays many young people in work force change their jobs or careers every few years. What do you think are the reasons for this? Do the advantages outweigh disadvantages?

the frequency of changing jobs

What a common phenomenon is that young generations would like to change their job every few years be under great risk for their careers, as a result, the frequency of job hopping.

There are two significant matters to explain why the youth prefers enduring some uncertain loss with vocations in a particular period of time when seeking recruitment opportunities, social security system as well as personal attitude with regard to between life and work. First of all, government, comparing with the past, allocates more manpower and resource to construct public service, especially unemployment benefits to aim for helping a certain group who lose their income's resource and cannot support their families. As a result of the implement of such laws and regulations, the young applicants can be able to seek an expected occupation in a longer time rather than having a high levels of job security. What is more, someone born in the new age would like to attempt a special jobs' position or cooperate with new colleagues to acquire the most fundamental skills and abundant practical experience to address some situation they facing promptly though changing jobs.

However, some drawbacks found in such method tend to be a threat for building a sustainable society. What the problem of the frequently hopping is that the loss of specialist for which seekers are not able to obtain professional knowledge of certain research fields. Moreover, they might develop mental problems and physical diseases if they fail to be recruited with their expected international companies or organizatio
ayibram 6 / 16 2  
Oct 11, 2017   #2
Hi Yao, let me give you some feedback,

First, you better put more sentences in introduction since you just put one sentence. Second, I think you should provide a conclusion statement in the last paragraph that answering the focus question: do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? I suggest you read about how to answer this type of question.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,662 4753  
Oct 11, 2017   #3
Yao, your opening paraphrase does not make any sense. It is so confusing to read that I found myself wondering what I was reading about and then realizing that you had no idea what you were writing about either. Based upon the pointless opening paraphrase, you can bet that you have already failed the test. Once you do not clearly restate the prompt requirements in the first paragraph, you lose at least half of the official score. As such, most examiners say that once you fail the TA portion, which is scored in the first paragraph, then you already failed the entire Task 2 essay exam. Here is the correct paraphrase for your reference:

Young adults tend to change jobs frequently these days. Some of them change careers every five years. I believe that there are a number of reasons for this and I will be presenting those reasons in this essay. After I present the reasons, I will the discuss whether I believe the advantages of constantly changing careers is greater than its disadvantages.

You also have extremely long sentences per paragraph, which means that you are not capable of writing short but meaningful English sentences. Try to practice writing your thoughts within the required 5 sentence maximum per essay so that you can stand a better chance of eventually getting a fair score in the C&C and GRA portion of the scoring requirements.

Your work also lacks a proper concluding paragraph that would properly represent a summarized discussion of the given prompt. Basically, this is a very bad first attempt at writing the task 2 essay. I hope that my comments can help you improve your second essay by having you focus on the problem points from this one in order to allow you to improve in the next essay.
OP intern0410 1 / 1  
Oct 13, 2017   #4
@ Holt @ ayibram thanks guys for your valuable suggestions and responses!

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