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IELTS writing task 2- Doing the same job for whole the life or changing it frequently


ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Aug 10, 2013   #1
Hi everybody, I have been editing your works for more than a year, but now I need your help. When I started to write an essay after a year, I found that writing a work is always more difficult than editing it. Please kindly edit this work for me as I need band score 7 in this skill :))

Topic:
Some people prefer to be in the same kind of job their entire life, but others like to change their jobs frequently. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.


My essay:

We are living in a world in which everything is changing day by day, ranging from our diets to the types of cars we drive. These fast paced changes in people's lifestyles are a result of the fact that humans inherently tend to manipulate their living atmosphere. A person's job is also a part of these changes, however there are still a few people who like to do not make any changes in it and do the same job through their whole life. The questions that go across the mind are, "does changing a job is a good idea?", "which one has more advantages?" and "why do some people tend to do the same job in their lives?" This essay aims to answer these questions to make a better understanding of these two viewpoints.

The first significant reason why some people prefer to do not different careers can be traced in their personalities. This group of people usually are known as precautious individuals and any change in their lives, including their jobs, increases their level of stress. This point has recently been proven by a survey conducted by a team of psychologists at several big companies in New York, the US. They showed that more than 60% of people mentioned the stress issue as the reason of their decisions on doing the same job for rest of their lives. Another important parameter that should be taken into consideration is experience. When individuals usually change their jobs with intent to find or experience a better situation, they could not achieve a success in none of the works because they cannot obtain sufficient experience in each profession.

The other group of individuals have completely different attitude toward their careers. They are adventurous people who enjoy any single change in their lives. As mentioned earlier, this change can be minor, like changing their clothes, or major, like changing their jobs. The same research, which was stated above, also revealed that adventurous people are intrinsically looking for new jobs to experience, and as Prof. Williams, from the University of Manchester said "they would like to taste any types of jobs". Nevertheless, there is not only one factor playing a role in this matter. With regard to the issue of experiencing new jobs, financial problems or seeking better economic condition is an acceptable reason to change a job. For example, some young engineers start their works at very small companies who earn very low salaries. However, after several years when they become experienced workforce, they will attempt to make a progress in their careers and will look for a big company to make more money.

To sum up, some people believe that doing the same job across entire their lives would bring them with low stress level, while others think differently and they prefer to try new things to quench their thirst for new experiences and improve their financial conditions. I am personally in agreement with the latter opinion, since for raising your skill level and finding your real interest, experiencing new jobs is a good way to achieve those great goals. Therefore, if people think like the first group, no progress and change would be observed in the world.

Thanks in advance for your help :)

MisterWandering 18 / 321 130  
Aug 10, 2013   #2
This essay aims to answer these questions to make a better understanding of these two viewpoints.

In my opinion, you should state your opinion in the introduction.

prefer to do not different careers

prefer stable careers

usually are known

are usually known

some people believe that doing the same job across entire their lives would bring them with low stress level, while others think differently and they prefer to try new things to quench their thirst for new experiences and improve their financial conditions.

I don't think this is necessary as you already mentioned it.
I think you write very well :)
OP ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Aug 10, 2013   #3
MisterWandering
Thank u for your help and the useful comments.

In my opinion, you should state your opinion in the introduction.

For this type of topic the personal opinion would be better to be mentioned in conclusion.

I don't think this is necessary as you already mentioned it.

In conclusion you should reword the first paragraph and the main idea of the essay first, then write your opinion, and finally add a clincher

Thanks again for you help :)
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Aug 10, 2013   #4
Hi everybody, I have been editing your works for more than a year, but now I need your help. When I started to write an essay after a year, I found that writing a work is always more difficult than editing it. Please kindly edit this work for me as I need band score 7 in this skill :))

Wow....welcome back ;)

A person's job is also a part of these changes, however there are still a few people who like to do not like to make any changes in it and do the same job through their whole life.

... you could have presented this a bit differently;
...., however, there are some people who are reluctant to accept this natural phenomenon and find themselves utterly uncomfortable in changing environments and situations.
Good intro :)

The first significant reason why some people prefer to donot to do different careers can be traced in their personalities.

The first and most significant reason as to why some people opt not to change their careers is due to their own personality traits.
pooneh 2 / 4  
Aug 11, 2013   #5
here are some suggestions ahmad

asking a question in the introduction is very good
{The questions that go across the mind are, "does changing a job is a good idea?", "which one has more advantages?" and "why do some people tend to do the same job in their lives?}

you can use for instant or as a case in point instead of for example
{For example, some young engineers start their works at very small companies}

and also instead of job you can use occupation to prevent repetition.
OP ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Aug 11, 2013   #6
Thank you Dumi for your great comments.
Thank you Pooneh for the words and phrases you have suggested. I will use them in my future essays.

you can use for instant

Do you mean "instance"? "Instant" means happening immediately :) I know it was a typo mistake because you used "instance" correctly in your work.

Thanks again everyone for helping
gmad06 20 / 151 55  
Aug 11, 2013   #7
Hi,

These are my observations:
- I noticed several errors on word selection and grammar
- lack of clarity in your ideas
- first body paragraph contains two irrelevant ideas
- I find your intro a bit long than it should be

hope this helps...
OP ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Aug 11, 2013   #8
Would you please make your points more clear. You mentioned very general points. I was wondering if you could make them more specific?
gmad06 20 / 151 55  
Aug 11, 2013   #9
Sure.. to be specific here are my observations as outlined:

ranging from our diets to the types of cars we drive

ranging from health to lifestyle
it is not necessary to be very specific on your background sentence. Your topic is about work, in which neither car or food is related to.

so just be more general with this.

These fast paced changes in people's lifestyles are a result of the fact that humans inherently tend to manipulate their living atmosphere.

This sentence is unnecessary, its either you combine this to the first sentence to make it complex or remove it completely.

who like to do not make anyresist/avoid/deviate from changes

doesis changing a job is a good idea?

why do some people tend to do the same job in their lives?

why some people are satisfied doing the same job?

This essay aims to answer these questions to make a better understanding of these two viewpoints.

not necessary

Initially you are talking about fear as a reason why people choose to remain in their jobs. On the last part, you are talking about some people who are bound to stay with their jobs to gain experience, thus means it is not their choice.

hope this helps
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Aug 11, 2013   #10
This point has recently been proven by a survey conducted by a team of psychologists at several big companies in New York, the US.

.... you don't need to give such details.

they could not achieve areach success in noneany of the worksjobs because they cannotfail to obtain sufficient experience in each profession.

.... wish you said this in a more simple way;
When one keeps changing jobs, he or she would not be able to gain expertise in one particular profession and that may hinder his or her chances of becoming successful in career.

I would strongly suggest you to limit the number of reasons to one per para. Move to the next para for the next reason.
OP ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Aug 11, 2013   #11
Thank you gmad for the helpful comments.

ah_zafari:
This essay aims to answer these questions to make a better understanding of these two viewpoints.
not necessary

this is what is called "blueprint" and it briefly determines what is going to be discussed in the body.

tay with their jobs to gain experience, thus means it is not their choice.[/quote]
Everybody has diferent reasons for doing something. As I mentioned in this paragraph "another important ...". By the way, I should have eliminated this part to make my essay shorter.

@Dumi: Thank you very much Dumi for your help, I really appreciate that.

ah_zafari:
This point has recently been proven by a survey conducted by a team of psychologists at several big companies in New York, the US.
.... you don't need to give such details.

I think, as writing books recommend, writing as much as possible details to a supporting statement make it more believable. So, that is why I stated that much details :)
gmad06 20 / 151 55  
Aug 11, 2013   #12
Everybody has diferent reasons for doing something. As I mentioned in this paragraph "another important ...". By the way, I should have eliminated this part to make my essay shorter.

I totally agree that a writer is entitled to his or her own opinion. However, if a reader is an examiner as well, you should be cautious on what to write. They have certain categories to mark your writing. Definitely in this paragraph, you will not gain or worse, loose points for task response because your essay prompt talks about keeping the same job as a choice, but your second idea isn't.

Also as much as possible it is best to have one main idea per paragraph, you could have more but at least they should be relevant...
joythblessy 86 / 272 15  
Aug 12, 2013   #13
Hai Ahmed...

I like your conclusion.

The question is to discuss both points and give your opinion...).

Take 1st part, cont.. Same job.
Write both positive and neg. With examples in the 1st body para.

In the second body para take the second part, do the same.

Which one you support give strong positive points, and weak negatives.

Additional points.
1st para
+tive..
Establish a solid position and promotion, long experience and loyalty, higher benefits, steady income, job and financial security, plan future and better savings for future.

-tives.
Monotonus job, de-motivated and reduced quality of work.

2nd para.
+tive.

Enrich the life experiences.
Explore new ideas and skills,
More versatile , confident and dinamic.
Better cope with difficulties of work plaCe. Job security in the time of economic cricis....

-tives,
Employers may not trust these people.
May distrub the life od dependents due to continous change of work places.
Problems and challenges in the new job maynot be always favorable.

All the best..
Tessy.
OP ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Aug 12, 2013   #14
Hi, thank you for the ideas and suggestions.

Write both positive and neg. With examples in the 1st body para.

Don't think stating both negative and positive aspects of each view is necessary, because the question asked to discuss each viewpoint. This means, one group of people agree with viewpoint 1, so in the first body paragraph I mentioned some reasons why they took this position, and I did the same for the second body paragraph.

What you said is also reasonable, but if you want to write one negative point and one positive point for each view, including examples, you need to write four different things, containing four different examples to support them. Add conclusion and introduction to these four different points, don't you think the essay may become too looooong :)

Anyway, thanks you very much for your comments, they are really helpful :)
joythblessy 86 / 272 15  
Aug 12, 2013   #15
hai...

Write +tives, for name sake add negative. Not equal numbers...).
It make your essay little bit different from others essay, which the examiner is looking for...
No need of including all points which i mentioned...).
Allen Hu 8 / 26 4  
Aug 25, 2013   #16
Hi~ these are my suggestions, may not be totally right~ since your writing skills are awesome I don't wanna mislead you~

A person's job is also a part of these changes, however there are still a few people who like to do not make any changes in it and do the same job through their whole life.

I think "however" is not a conjunction, so this sentence may not be complete. should be revised to be"A person's job is also a part of these changes. However, there are still a few people who like to do not make any changes in it and do the same job through their whole life."

This essay aims to answer these questions to make a better understanding of these two viewpoints.

This sentence may be cancelled, is it better? because the sentence has no substantial meaning at all~

Just some tiny grammatical errors in the passage~but personally, I'd like to state my opinion right at the begining of the passage, then discuss both sides of the subject~ it may be one difference between IELTS and TOEFL writing tasks~

Finally, I rrrrreally enjoy ur essay, I'd like to study your word and pharsing~
Wish you get the best score in IELTS~
OP ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Aug 25, 2013   #17
Thank you for the comments. They were helpful :)

Finally, I rrrrreally enjoy ur essay, I'd like to study your word and pharsing~

Thanks for the complement

Wish you get the best score in IELTS~

Hope so. It is difficult to get a good score in the tests taken in Australia as the examiners are really strict, especially in the case of writing :(
marmaria 10 / 30 5  
Sep 14, 2013   #18
Dear ah-zafary
I really enjoyed your essay. I learned somany new structures from you. the only thing I saw was "does changing a job is a good idea?" which should be "is changing a job a good idea?"


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