IELTS;"Charities in developed countries should donate to underdeveloped countries"

At present,charities play a vital role in our society. Meanwhile ,what should we spend it on has sparked much debate.Some people assert charities in developed countries should be given to those who live in underdeveloped countries.While others think we should focus on helping needy people in their own countries.Personally,I am in favor of the former view.

Obviously ,it is reasonable for many people to argue charities should be given to those who live in underdeveloped countries.To begin with,it is widely accepted that there are much more impoverished people in underdeveloped countries than in developed countries.Therefore,it is urgent that we should help poeple living in poverty as we could help more people ,even save more lives. For another reason,it is clear that international aid can promote the relationship between different countries.So ,we could improve the coporation between those countries.International corporation has essential advantages we should not overlook. For example,it can make better use of natural resource and stimulate job market of both sides

Admittedly,it is worth pointing out that there are some arguments supporting the view that we should focus on helping the needy in their own countries.The main one may be helping people in their own countries is more efficent.For example ,we need to spend tons of money on shipment of the goods,especially when they are far away from their own countires.There is another argument we should point out,which is some people think helping the needy in their own countries can win publicity of their own government.In spite of that, it is obvious that peace and harmony are much more important than publicity of government.

In conclusion,I firmly believe that we should give the charities to the people who live in underdeveloped countries.At the same time,it is advisable we should take actions to make the foreign aids more efficient by cuting the expenditure of the shipment.

==>Hi,guys.
Could you please give me some suggestion and correction to this essay.I am sure there must be many "error" or "misuse".

Thank you very much indeed. :)

And, could you tell me the score of the essay it could get, if possible.(I guess it might be not very accurate ,but ,any suggestion is appreciated:))

Your prompt talks about the charities in developed countries and not the ones in poor countries. Therefore it is worth mentioning about it here because that sets up a good alignment with your prompt.


I find hard to how this line contributes to the prompt :( ... I guess this may be what you try to mean;
However, people argue about how these charities set priorities in helping others. Some argue that they should donate to the projects of poorer nations, while others stress that they need to first look after their own needy people.

you follow a good essay structure.

you could rephrase both the arguments effectively.. which you had taken from the question, to make it more nice..

you could also include one good point in second body paragraph, that international aid might be
futile, as it could have reached in corrupted hands.

good luck..

Therefore,it is urgent that we should help poeple living in poverty as we could help more people ,even save more lives. -- > you are using "we" most of the time in your essay but i think it is better to use charity or trust. ---> Therefore,it is urgent that charities should help people living in poverty as it could help more people, even save more lives.