the primary causes of obesity among kids
Childhood obesity tends to become a serious public health challenge in many countries. This essay will look at the primary causes of this trend and suggest some possible solutions to tackle this problem.
There are a number of reasons for the rising level of childhood obesity. The first reason is unhealthy eating habits. Children nowadays tend to consume too much fast food such as candy, snack and sugary drinks. It causes them to gain weight quickly as they are containing very high in fat and sugar but low in vitamins and minerals. Another reason is sedentary lifestyles. Children spend all of their own time watching TV, browsing the Internet or playing video games instead of going outside and doing sports. As a consequence, they are becoming increasingly obese.
There are several actions that could be taken to mitigate the issues mentioned above. Firstly, parents need to control what their children eat and make sure that they have a healthy diet. Educating kids about the detrimental effects of an imbalanced diet is considerable. Unhealthy junk food should be banned from the school menu and fast food advertising need to be limitted. Secondly, parents should restrict the time their children using for sedentary activities and encourage them to take regular exercise, which would help them to control their weight by burning calories. Physical education would help them to avoid assembling fat.
To sum up, there are various factors leading to the rise in childhood obesity, and measures should be taken to solve this problem.
These are my suggestions for your essay. I didn't correct the second body paragraph as it was not needed.
Firstly, u didnt paraphrase the question. Secondly, solution was not asked in the prompt.
...candy, snacks and sugary drinks
...they are containing contain very high in fat
....sedentary lifestyles
.....their own time watching TV
Holt Educational Consultant - / 15461 Since the original prompt, which the person above failed to consider, does ask for the problem statement, causes of the problem, effects, and possible solutions, you actually followed the prompt requirements as indicated. This is what I mean by students who are not familiar with the essay topics should never pretend to be an authority or offer advice when it can definitely be wrong and simply mislead other students, who are also learners themselves. If one is not familiar with the topic, then one should simply refrain from giving advice as it could lead to mistaken reviews and irrelevant advice.
As for the opening paragraph, you should have completed the restatement within 5 sentences maximum, or at least 3 sentences. You should have represented an actual reference to the reasoning topics that were to follow. So outline your discussion. Your first sentence, the actual paraphrase, still uses the original reference phrase in relation to "many countries". An error that will appear as memorized phrase usage in an actual test. The lack of an outlined discussion in response to the discussion instructions will also affect the first part of your scoring situation as the examiner does not have a solid reference point for your English comprehension skills. Next time, outline your response topics.
Your cause and effect in the first reasoning paragraph is good. The problem, is that you failed to offer a solution within the same paragraph so that it could have followed the expected format of:
- Cause of obesity
- Reason for this cause
- Possible solution
- Example / justification that supports your suggested solution
- Additional explanation / Transition sentence
Although you tried to do that in this essay, the fact that you used 2 topics per paragraph is what forced the discussion format error on your part. Use only 1 topic per paragraph and completely develop that topic based on the above format. That will help you boost your C&C score as you properly connected the discussion requirements for the essay in one paragraph. The 2 reasoning paragraphs become well presented and properly developed in that instance.
As for the conclusion. That is never a single sentence. You should always restate the previous discussion topic, summarize the causes, effects, and then, close with a strong repetition of your suggested solution(s). That will help you properly represent the reverse paraphrase.
Hey there, I'm new to the IELTS test so I just point out some small details that I think you could use to improve your essay.
I think that the second body paragraph is a little confusing to me. For example, you said parents should control their children diet but you supported it with the idea that junk food should be banned from the canteen menu. I think they are not really relevant to each other.
Another thing is, your sentences are too short and they ended too suddenly. Like this sentence: "Physical education would help them to avoid assembling fat". I think you could use some transitions like "Furthermore", "Moreover", "In addition"...
Hope this help.
