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TOEFL: Children should grow up in a big city!!


RaviSouza 3 / 7 3  
Dec 22, 2012   #1
This is my practice for the TOEFL writing test.
I would appreciate some tips.
Thank you all!

It is better for children to grow up in the countryside than in a big city. Do you agree or disagree? Use specific reasons and examples to develop your essay.

It's certainly better for children to grow up in a big city. Of course you need to choose a good neighborhood. I hold this belief because of two main reasons, academic and social reasons.

Some people thinks that if a child grows up in a big city they will be all day at home at the computer or at the video-game, but this is not true if you live in a neighborhood with other people about your age as I did. My friends and I used to play soccer, bike, climb trees and do a lot of other stuff every day. We did play video-games, but that wasn't our main activity. In a big city there are more kinds of people and more things to do.

I have a friend that grew up in the countryside. He said that he had to study a lot to pass the test to enter the university. This is another downside of growing up in the countryside. In a big city you have more qualified teachers and a better access to technology.

Growing up in the countryside is not such a good experience, you won't know a lot of people, there are gossips everywhere, and your life will be really limited. If someday I have children, I'm absolutely sure that they will grow up in a good neighborhood of a big city and they will be very happy about it.

y0_3mma 19 / 28 6  
Dec 23, 2012   #2
It's certainly better for children to grow up in a big city. Of course you need to choose a good neighborhood. I hold this belief because of two main reasons, academic and social reasons.

your arguments are poorly presented, i don't know much about the TOEFL examination, i myself will take the IELTS, but.. did u reach the words limit? please increse your vocabulary.

i suggest reading newspapers or essays on the internet, writing down words that u might need in your essay, then write your own essay using those words.

for ex here:
city:
many facilities ex cinema, parks, pubs, restaurants, supermarkets, concerts, music clubs, drama classes, sports events, parties
schools with thousands of students==>large community, many friends
cultural diversity
risk of kidnapping, raping increased and also many kids start smoking cigarettes or weed
countryside:
healthier lifestyle, farms that provide milk, eggs, animal products in general
the family is more important, they spend more quality time with their parents, sisters
they have more time for themselves, they can read, sleep more because they don't spend their free time playing and chatting on the internet.

the level of their academic skills are lower, most of them stop learning when they graduate from high school

i hope i helped you :D
OP RaviSouza 3 / 7 3  
Dec 23, 2012   #3
Thank you!
Really good advises!
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Dec 23, 2012   #4
Your introduction sounds ok because it contains all necessary features, but it sounds a bit abrupt and short :) Also, I guess you can improve the following sentence;

I hold this belief because of two main reasons, academic and social reasons.

My suggestion;
I hold this belief because of two main reasons. They are the academic and social benefits that children would enjoy if they grow in a big city.
alicederp 10 / 56 4  
Dec 29, 2012   #5
It's a good essay, however, I think you should structure your two arguments better. Try to follow a PEEL format if you can, because right now, your arguments are in a mess. Please try to elaborate on your arguments too, because right now, they are way too short.

This sentence is sort of irrelevant "Of course you need to choose a good neighborhood."

And, as suggested above, write more and increase your vocabulary.


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