Can someone tell would this essay recieve passing marks ?
As children grow, they change their social behaviour.
What are the differences between young childrens social behaviour and that of an adult. To what an extent these changes are good?
Various developments take place in the behaviour of children when they become mature. In my opinion, there are two primary differences between the behaviour of youngsters and their elders: the way they behave and their different mindsets. I also think that these kinds of reformations are positive because they aid in the mental advancement of a child.
Aspects that differentiate immature from mature people are their overall behaviour and a unique mindset. Although children require that their demands be fulfilled in any condition, such stubborn behaviour is extremely rare among elder people; thus, they always behave in a polite way. Beside that, an adult mind considers every context of a condition before reaching a conclusion, which is actually not true in the case of teens because of their repulsive nature. For example, a child desires a smartphone for entertainment, but a mature person would want the same for news updates.
The above-mentioned changes are helpful in developing the intellectual capacity of a person. This is to say that a teenager learns everything he knows from the adults surrounding him, and exposure to such civil behaviour can help him in acquiring certain skills such as communication with others and the formulation of long-term relationships. Apart from that, when a child transforms into a mature person, he can make decisions that affect his future, making him more confident. Thus, all these new abilities can assist him in having an enhanced personality.
To conclude, the attributes of having a different way of thinking and reasonable behaviour in every situation make adults completely different from children, and I believe this is advantageous for young people as it can provide them a chance to develop several new talents.
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There is a slight misrepresentation in your first reasoning paragraph. The incorrect reference to "repulsive nature" disconnects from the next discussion paragraph which relates to the decision making skills of children. You should have referred to the lack of decision making skills of children instead.
The focus of the discussion is on children, meaning ages 0-12. Teenagers are considered adolescents or young adults. They are not included in the children age bracket anymore. So there is also an incorrect age range reference in the discussion, which would lead to a slight prompt alteration and therefore, accuracy deductions. Incorrect word usage would also become an issue in the essay as previously pointed out.
Although the essay is well discussed and cohesive in discussion presentation, the age range error in the discussion reference is what will prevent this essay from achieving a maximum passing score. The examiner might give you a pass for incorrect age referencing, but I really doubt that since it is a part of the LR consideration. I cannot assure you that this will get a passing score.