Children learn to read words through only Online reading or printed materials? Essay Academic IELTS

Hi IELTS catchers! Hope everything is okay for you all, hence please give the review for my essay.🙏😇

Question:
Some people believe online reading materials should only be used for a child to learn to read, whereas others believe only printed material should be used.

Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

While internet should be the only platform to start learning activity due to its feature attracting students to learn enthusiastically, others believe that learning words through printed books might be better as to save children health from online device radiation.

The object animation of Internet might be considered as the beneficial factor to attract children to learn words. That is to say that children would be excited, thus focusing more on understanding the alphabet, when they see the alphabet being presented by moving cartoon in Internet. A piece of research by English Literature Students in Indonesia University in 2019 stated that cartoon body gesture in YouTube video captured children attention, hence, making them more active to respond the video by repeating the words. As a result, it enhanced their learning memory towards the words. I believe that such online learning platform could lead children to learn the words faster due to these attractive animations.

By contrast, learning to read words through printed books might keep serious harm to the children health. That is to say that children would not be exposed to any potential radiation from online screen, when they spend more time to learn many letters in printed books. Eventually, eye fatigue caused by radiation in Internet could be prevented to harm children eyes. In 2019, some research by public health students in Harvard university suggested that the absence of radiation from printed materials might sustain individuals good visibility, thereby making them able to concentrate on their materials. I think that learning through printed materials which preserves the health of children, thereby enabling them to concentrate on their next lessons outweighs the benefit of online animated objects.

In summary, the moving objects in online reading might result into having more children to be active in that platform, while learning through printed materials could not risk children to poor sight because of radiation posed by online screen, thereby making children to still have more capacity in learning other materials.

You do know that this type of discussion is always presented as a 3 paragraph essay right? Your format is totally incorrect. You focused solely on your personal point of view in the presentation. You have not properly formatted the discussion paragraphs which should have clearly explained:

- the public belief in children learning through printed reading material and why
- the public belief in the internet based reading and why it is more effective
- Your personal belief as to the best way to teach children to read

By the way, you can make up information based on your personal experience and knowledge in any IELTS essay. However, you must not frame it in the form of a researched presentation. Do not use references to any information you present. Always use a personal point of view. You could have simply said that "my younger brother enjoyed learning how to read using animated YouTube cartoons instead of the picture books our parents used to teach him how to read", or something like that.

The essay fails to provide the comparative point of view for the 2 public opinions prior to your personal point of view. It comes across as a totally personal opinion paper instead. You must use group pronouns to refer to the public opinion and then, use the personal pronouns throughout your personal point of view explanation. That way you clearly format the discussion as per the discussion instructions of the prompt. Use only the topics presented in the original, but you can use general reasons for the explanation. Just avoid the reference to research materials, that is never used in Task 2 essays.

Your explanations are too wordy in a confusing manner. Try to present a clarity of thought in your discussion paragraphs. Do not use so much unnatural feeling vocabulary that the examiner will see that you are only focused on the LR section of the presentation. Always use a balanced focus on all scoring considerations to gain the highest possible score for your essay.

Your discussion deviated from the reasoning topics provided by the original. You created a health discussion regarding eye fatigue, which was never part of the original discussion. The only topic was either children learn to read using online or printed material. There was no cause to discuss eye health issues, it never figured in the original prompt. If it isn't in the original presentation, it doesn't go into your discussion.