Children may be stimulated by some new subjects and enjoy a more colorful and meaningful childhood

Thanks for your help~

Toefl Q:Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Subjects such as art, music, and drama should be a part of every child's basic education

I agree that subjects such as art, music, and drama should be a part of every child's basic education. The reasons are that children might be stimulated by some new subjects, can enjoy a more colorful and meaningful childhood, may have more opportunities in the future.

First, if children learn these subjects as part of basic education, their curiosity for some certain subjects can be easily stimulated. They have the possibilities to show the distinct talent in some fields, which may have not been discovered before. Moreover, if they are interested in the subject, they are willing to learn more enthusiastically.

Second, though some people say it may exhaust children under the burden of subjects or even ruins their precious childhood, learning the subjects such as art, music, and drama, on the other hand, undoubtedly provides children variety ways to have fun. You know, more and more adults feel kind of boring and meaningless when they look back on their childhood, just with toys and comics. Now if subjects above are involved in the children's basic education, they can have more choices to enjoy a colorful childhood. What is more, after growing up, when you have a developed hobby or an extraordinary taste of music thanks to the children education, it would be worth the childhood sweat.

Third, starting to learn these subjects at an early age provides more future opportunities. For instance, Mark, one of my high school friends, has been learning the piano since he was six. After years training, he gives performances frequently on the stage. With the gold medal of an international competition, he got an extra grade in the entrance exam of university. What a lucky dog! Consequently, children will be more competitive in the future when they educated some distinct skills early.

For both short-term and long-term benefits as I discuss above, subjects such as art, music, and drama should be a part of children's basic education.

Assert your opinion more forcefully:
"Art, music, and drama should be a part of every child's education"
Although you might be saying the same thing, the latter is much stronger and will better entice the reader.


In my opinion, but this seems a little bland. You can take out "The reasons are" and instead write, "By extending education as so,". Both are saying the same thing, but, to me, the latter sounds less clichéd... (Whoa!! I just realized that this text editor had a spell checker! Awesome! Just corrected my Woah to a Whoa. :)



This sounds a little awkward to me. Let me try to rephrase it:
"Second, although some argue that the burden of extra subjects exhausts children or even ruins their precious childhood,..."
How about that? :)


No, I don't know. :) When writing formal essays, you should never write "as you know" or "you know" or "you may know" because the reader may not know. :) Instead, you can just take out that phrase, which will leave you with a more agreeable and stronger statement:

"Nowadays, more and more adults regret frittering away their childhood with toys and comics instead of engaging in art or music" (I rephrased it a bit too. I think it's more succinct and effective.)



Again, it sounds more succinct :). Once you've learned, you already started to learn. So if you can say the same thing with less words, why not chose the phrase with less? :)


Remember that this is a formal essay. Try to avoid using casual expressions.


You would generally use "consequently" if there is a cause-effect scenario going on. But I don't see one; instead, you are adding to the fact that children will receive more future opportunities. So "Furthermore" will work better in this case.


Again, try to avoid the "as above" part, and develop your conclusion more. Add more to the final paragraph, maybe something about what the future of children education would be like with art, music, and drama. Then at the end, write the decisive statement, "Undoubtedly, art, music, and drama must be included in children's basic education."

Hope I helped :] I'm sorry if it seems like I ripped your essay apart -.-

Thanks for your correction, Dongho Eugene Choi. That's really helpful and precious to me. Apparently, I don't have so much experience in writing Toefl essays and I'm so lucky that you can tell me the mistakes. Thanks again.

Oceanyang you have an interesting username!! In Chinese medicine, the top of the head is considered yang, and it is called "heaven," but the bottom of the abdomen is called the 'sea bottom' and it is the most yin part of the body. Maybe your username should be oceanyin! :-)


Instead, do this: Now, if non-academic subjects are involved in the...

Also:
Second, though some people say children may become exhausted under the burden of multiple subjects or even have their precious childhood ruined , learning the subjects ...

You write very well. I think you will have no problem passing the TOEFL. I do not know much about the TOEFL, but I think you write better than many people who only know English.