'children play too much computer games?' - IELTS exam criteria

Q:
Some think that computer games are dangerous for children in every way; others think that computer games help children's development. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Writing:
Nowadays, computer is playing an increasingly pivotal role in children's education. However, an issue whether computers games are harmful to children or not came to people's mind recently. As far as I am concerned, views on this issue vary from person to person. Before giving my opinion, it is quite indispensable to look at the argument on both sides.

People, who support that computer games are dangerous for children, giving some following reasons. To begin with, children may learn some violence from computer games. As far as I known, some popular computer games are full of violence, which will drive the crime rate. For example, if children argue with some others and have no effective measures to solve it, they may fight with these people. In additional, computer games will influence children's study. Children spend more time on computer games, so they are likely to have not enough time to focus on academic assignments.

Those, who advocate that computer games help children's development, have their sound reason. Computer games can help children to improve their mental development. With more contact with computer games, children can some experience that how to win games . After playing computer games, they will summarize some certain methods to win games. Thus, it is helpful for children to become more intelligent.

From my part, I want to take a balanced position. There are both advantages and disadvantages to computer games.. When children want to relive the academic burden , children can play some computer games. Parents should take the responsibility to supervise their children in order to make their children not play overly computer games.

This expression is used in speaking not in writing.


Do not use "following reasons". The topic sentence should be interesting. In addition, it is not appropriate to use the phrase "to begin with" in the middle of a paragraph. It is usually used at the very beginning of a paragraph.


It would be better to mention the names of some games. When you give some more detail about an issue or an example you can make it more believable and convincing.


how may it increase the crime rate? It is not clear. U tried to explain it through the next sentence but your supporting sentence was not strong enough. U could talk about this fact that the heroes of computer games are unconsciously changed into role models of children (Some of these superheroes are murderers and criminals).


I think the term "cognitive development" is better.


add an example to make your idea more clear.


In the conclusion you should restate the thesis statement (reword the topic) before stating your opinion. In fact the conclusion should include the following parts: 1) Restated thesis statement; 2) Your opinion; 3) Clincher :Ending statement

Thanks for all you guys' reply. Show my Special appreciation to dear Ahmad Zafari!