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IELTS - large number of children play computer games - how it may affect them?


francigd 3 / 3  
Jun 26, 2018   #1
Nowadays many people have access to computers on a wide basis and a large number of children play computer games.
What are the negative and positive impacts of playing computer games and what can be done to minimize the bad effects?


Childhood amongst games



Recently, playing computer games on childhood has become a topic of debates, raising relevant concerns between parents and society. It is true the number of digital games on early ages has increased and more users accessed personal computers. Overall, this essay will point out the benefits and drawbacks to playing games and provide suggestion that might mitigate this issue.

First and foremost, there are clearly a great improvement cognitive skills developed by game players. Tablets and devices will teach youngsters how be a quick thinker. For instance, if a child was educated with plenty of information, internet, technologies and artificial intelligence through games he or she would likely learn any major faster rather than those do not. However, drawbacks come across such lack of physical activity, far less social relationship and even worst the extremely exposition and vulnerability. Instead pupils should be educated on a safe environment.

The key factor could tackle this issue is probably the most commonly in our society, as broaden information about length on computer have already been discusses. How long should be allowed children playing games daily? Since that the kid goes to school, play sports and have friends with any lack of essential needs, parents usually allow them around one hour per day. Moreover the most crucial point should be balance their entertainment and daily basis.

In conclusion, although digital games brought cognitive development, it is dangerous on social behaviour and daily routine. However, a limited time in front of computers can diminish those problems.

hyperephania 9 / 20 2  
Jun 26, 2018   #2
Instead of writing "playing computer games on childhood", you should write this way "children playing computer games from the very early ages".
And in the thesis statement, you should not use "point out", just simply use the verb "discuss".
There are also some grammatical mistakes throughout your essay, such as "there are is clearly a great improvement in cognitive skills developed by among players".

and "the most commonly (...) in our society, as broaden information aboutlength on computer have already been discusses discussed". What do you mean by information about length on computer?

There should be some more sentences explaining the drawbacks.
natashaebab 3 / 9 1  
Jun 26, 2018   #3
she would likely to learn any major(what?) faster rather than those who do not.

the extremely exposition and vulnerability (in what?)

... probably the most commonly common solution in our society such as broaden the information about the length (of what?) on computer that have already been discusses discussed. How long should be allowed children playing games daily? children be allowed to play computer games? Since, the kid ... have friends with any lack of essential needs, parents should allow limit them to play their favorite games atleast one hour a day. Moreover, the most crucial main point should be the balance their of having the entertainment and daily basis activities.

However, a limited limiting the time in front of the computers can diminish those the problem.

Hello! You have a good argument. You have good body paragraph construction. I was confused in the 3rd paragraph. i think you should focus on suggestions to minimize the bad effects and don't leave the reader fill in the blank in some of the sentences. Just a friendly advice
Kino18 2 / 4  
Jun 26, 2018   #4
Hi,

This is a good attempt, however, 'overall' is normally used in writing task 1, it would be better if you avoid using it in task 2 essays as these already have a conclusion in them.

I would advise you to brainstorm main points and supporting points for the body para's before writing, this will improve your writing flow and will aid in thinking appropriate linking device.

for this essay my preferred structure would be:

Indro
Advantage
Disadvantage
Solutions to the disadvantage mentioned
Conclusion

Hope this help.
Chuni lal 2 / 6  
Jun 26, 2018   #5
@francigd
you seem in a hurry while writing.. you are missing prepositions.. like (to).. and even sometimes words as well, games he or she would likely learn any major faster rather than those do not. ??? what does this means?

the flow is not proper in your essay
Holt - / 7,527 2001  
Jun 27, 2018   #6
Franciane, this being a 5 paragraph comparative essay needs to be better threshed out than the way that you currently have it. You have written about the advantage and disadvantage in a single paragraph with multiple discussion points indicated. Don't lose focus of the main C&C requirement which is that a paragraph needs to have one topic sentence at the start and supporting sentences following it.

The main problem that you have is that you are not focusing on trying to explain yourself in this essay. My guess is that you have been watching the clock too much to make sure that you do not go overtime. That is why your sentences are scattered and little developed. You do not have to watch the clock if you just remember to write 1 topic sentence and 4 sentences after that. A total of 5 sentences. One you write 5 lines / sentences you can consider it a complete paragraph and move on to the next one. Don't forget to use the transition sentence at the end of the paragraph to introduce the next topic and paragraph. The way you can best remember this is probably in this equation:

5 sentences + 5 paragraphs = time to edit

Editing of the paper is very important. It helps you to clarify your thought process and presentation and also gives you the chance to correct any errors in sentence development, structure, and spelling.


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