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'children play too much computer games?' - IELTS exam criteria


beibeibajin 4 / 6 1  
Aug 9, 2012   #1
Q:
Some think that computer games are dangerous for children in every way; others think that computer games help children's development. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Writing:
Nowadays, computer is playing an increasingly pivotal role in children's education. However, an issue whether computers games are harmful to children or not came to people's mind recently. As far as I am concerned, views on this issue vary from person to person. Before giving my opinion, it is quite indispensable to look at the argument on both sides.

People, who support that computer games are dangerous for children, giving some following reasons. To begin with, children may learn some violence from computer games. As far as I known, some popular computer games are full of violence, which will drive the crime rate. For example, if children argue with some others and have no effective measures to solve it, they may fight with these people. In additional, computer games will influence children's study. Children spend more time on computer games, so they are likely to have not enough time to focus on academic assignments.

Those, who advocate that computer games help children's development, have their sound reason. Computer games can help children to improve their mental development. With more contact with computer games, children can some experience that how to win games . After playing computer games, they will summarize some certain methods to win games. Thus, it is helpful for children to become more intelligent.

From my part, I want to take a balanced position. There are both advantages and disadvantages to computer games.. When children want to relive the academic burden , children can play some computer games. Parents should take the responsibility to supervise their children in order to make their children not play overly computer games.
ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Aug 9, 2012   #2
However, an issue whether computers games are harmful to children or not has recently changed into a controversial topic in the modern societiescame to people's mind recently.

As far as I am concerned

This expression is used in speaking not in writing.

People, who support that computer games are dangerous for children, giving some following reasons.

Do not use "following reasons". The topic sentence should be interesting. In addition, it is not appropriate to use the phrase "to begin with" in the middle of a paragraph. It is usually used at the very beginning of a paragraph.

some popular computer games are full of violence,

It would be better to mention the names of some games. When you give some more detail about an issue or an example you can make it more believable and convincing.

which will drive the crime rate

how may it increase the crime rate? It is not clear. U tried to explain it through the next sentence but your supporting sentence was not strong enough. U could talk about this fact that the heroes of computer games are unconsciously changed into role models of children (Some of these superheroes are murderers and criminals).

their mental development

I think the term "cognitive development" is better.

After playing computer games, they will summarize some certain methods to win games. Thus, it is helpful for children to become more intelligent.

add an example to make your idea more clear.

From my part, I want to take a balanced position. There are both advantages and disadvantages to computer games.. When children want to relive the academic burden , children can play some computer games. Parents should take the responsibility to supervise their children in order to make their children not play overly computer games

In the conclusion you should restate the thesis statement (reword the topic) before stating your opinion. In fact the conclusion should include the following parts: 1) Restated thesis statement; 2) Your opinion; 3) Clincher :Ending statement
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Aug 9, 2012   #3
giving some following reasons

.... It should be either; giving some reasons / giving following reasons

To begin with, children may learn some violence from computer games.

As far as I known
OP beibeibajin 4 / 6 1  
Aug 9, 2012   #4
Thanks for all you guys' reply. Show my Special appreciation to dear Ahmad Zafari!


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