IELTS Essay - Some children take sports seriously while others not. Give opinion

Hi All,

Can you please review this essay and provide feedback?

Essay Topic: Some children nowadays take sports seriously while others play sports in their free time. Is it a positive or negative development? Give your own opinion and examples.

In recent times, some children consider sports to be a mandatory activity in their daily routine while others neglect it to be an optional one. It is felt that young generation should treat sports to be a positive phenomenon. This will be shown by looking at how a child gets benefited from health and behavioural perspective getting involved various sports.

Firstly, an outdoor sport demands a lot of physical activities that in turn help players to be fit and well built. So, the kids who get engaged in any such games are thought to possess good health. For example, youngsters who play rugby regularly, stay far away from obesity problems. Thus, this example makes it clear how sports assist children to maintain fitness.

In addition to this, many team sports teach the players the art of delivering unitedly. When people start participating in such sports from younger age, they learn how to perform best in collaboration with other team members and this acquired skill later on help to prove themselves as efficient team members. For instance, game like soccer where coordination with other players is important for winning, gives lessons to acquire team skills. Thus, there are merits to encourage children to get involved actively in sports.

It can be concluded that children who are inspired to take sport seriously are at an advantageous position than those who do not. It is recommended that sports schools should take an active role to make the students aware of the benefits of sports.

I think this is a good essay, covered all bulled points, and structure is well-organised.

For the last second paragraph, For instance, game(s) like soccer where coordination with other players

I think if you express something in general, it is better to write games . May be i am wrong .

... Well, it is always better to conclude your introduction with a statement that clearly expresses your opinion ( a thesis statement) . The last line you have written is pretty vague and I feel such lines do not effectively contribute for your writing.

So, the kids who get engaged in any such games are thought to possess good health and fitness.
You write very well... pay more attention to your essay structure :)