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IELTS : 'We should have choice to play' - dangerous sports should be banned? I disagree.


erikaJP 1 / 1  
Sep 7, 2014   #1
Some people love both doing and watching dangerous sports such as F-1 or boxing even though it sometimes take their lives away. Sometimes it is said that dangerous sports should be forbidden, and this is debatable.

It is true that players who do some sport like boxing have higher possibility to die than other sports. And because fans want to see more exciting fight, players are forced to show performances that are really dangerous. Even though they do not die, it definitely hurt their body.

However I believe that those sports should not be banned with some reasons. Firstly we should have right to choose. Player knows it has high risk if they play, but they are playing. It is their responsibility. My cousin played boxing, and he broke his leg, but he did blame nobody because he knows he is likely to get injury of he did, but he loved it. They are not forced to play but they choose. They love doing that.

Secondly, every sport has their rules that try to avoid too dangerous act so that no one die or cheat. Sometimes they die, but it is really rare. All players absolutely follow the rules. They are not trying to kill each other, they are competing under the rules. Moreover every sport has risks in some extent, and it is difficult to say which is okay and which is not.

To sum up, some people may say those sports should be banned, but I do not agree. We should have choice to play, and they should enjoy it under proper rules.

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Sep 7, 2014   #2
You need to present a better introduction to the topic. You say that the opinion of the people about the ban on dangerous sports is debatable. Why do you see it as debatable? What are some points of concern on the side of those supporting the ban that seem valid to you? End the introduction with your thesis statement about presenting reasons that the sport should not be banned.

Aside from some punctuation and grammatical problems with your essay, you present very good, common sense reasons to support your stand. I understand that this essay probably has a word count which is why your explanations are so short and to the point. It will be good if you can review and revise the essay to strengthen you stance using additional information if possible. In the meantime, please allow me to point out some grammar problems with the essay that need to be corrected.

Some people love both doing and watching dangerous sports such as F-1 or boxing even though it sometimes take their lives away. Sometimes it is said that dangerous sports should be forbidden, and this is debatable.

- would strengthen this introduction this way: Even though dangerous sports can result in deaths, some people love to not only watch, but also engage in the sport. It is because of the high possibility of injury and death in sports such as boxing and mixed martial arts that some people support a ban on dangerous sports. I beg to differ. I do not believe dangerous sports should be banned.

It is true that players who do some sport like boxing have higher possibility to die than other sports. And because fans want to see more exciting fight, players are forced to show performances that are really dangerous. Even though they do not die, it definitely hurt their body.

- The rate of injuries in dangerous sports remains high but these injuries do not often lead to deaths. Only hurt bodies. These injuries often result from exciting fights that players put on for the entertainment of their audience.

However I believe that those sports should not be banned with some reasons. Firstly we should have right to choose. Player knows it has high risk if they play, but they are playing. It is their responsibility. My cousin played boxing, and he broke his leg, but he did blame nobody because he knows he is likely to get injury of he did, but he loved it. They are not forced to play but they choose. They love doing that.

- Remember that playing dangerous sports is covered by the human right to choose. That is the main reason why I do not support the ban on dangerous sports. Each player has the option to not play the dangerous sport and yet he chooses to. They know the risks involved and they play because they love the game.

Secondly, every sport has their rules that try to avoid too dangerous act so that no one die or cheat. Sometimes they die, but it is really rare. All players absolutely follow the rules. They are not trying to kill each other, they are competing under the rules. Moreover every sport has risks in some extent, and it is difficult to say which is okay and which is not.

- Dangerous sports are covered by rules and regulations that make the sport safe to play. But these rules cannot prevent injury or death. It is a calculated risk the players decide to take. Only on very rare occasions do dangerous sports result in deaths simply because the guidelines are there to protect the players. They compete but do not try to kill each other.

You have a very good closing statement there. You should try to develop it a little more if possible. I hope you won't mind that I almost rewrote the essay for you. I wanted you to see how the essay could flow better once you are able to present your evidence in a proper and coherent manner. I hope this helps :-)
niesaysi 16 / 284 83  
Sep 7, 2014   #3
Also,please include the full prompt so we can know what you will actually write about.

It is true that players who do some sport like boxing have higher possibility to die than other sports. And because fans want to see more exciting fight, players are forced to show performances that are really dangerous. Even though they do not die, it definitely hurt their body.

This is very limited for a body paragraph. I know there is a word limit, but this one is not an ideal paragraph. I bold the word "and" because it is not used as a start of a sentence.

However, I believe...

Put a comma.
Another one:

Firstly, we should...

You have great ideas, but they seem weakened due to grammatical errors. In addition, when it comes to organization of ideas, there is good transition.
OP erikaJP 1 / 1  
Sep 7, 2014   #4
Thank you very much. This helps me a lot! I'll keep trying!
fikri 5 / 317 71  
Sep 10, 2014   #5
However I believe that those sports should not be banned with some reasons. Firstly we should have right to choose.

these words such as however and firstly should be foolowed by a comma to show that they are sentence connectors

To sum up, some people may saythose sports should be banned , but I do not agree. We should have choice to play, and they should enjoy it under proper rules.
reply / quote

these red words may be changed to be better phrase, if you use them it is called 'repetition'
so,,don't use the same phrase in an essay
zjxhz 5 / 14 2  
Sep 10, 2014   #6
Singular and plural forms are commonly misused in this essay, for example:

it sometimes takes their lives away

it definitely hurts

some other minor comments:

into some extent

They are not forced to play but they choose to .


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