IELTS Writing - "clean learning environment"

Topic:

In order to study well, students need an attractive, clean learning environment. Universities and colleges could make efforts to provide this.

Education condition is more and more improving about provide more equipment better. Universities and colleges are one of place could be providing this. However, I would argue that besides clean studying environment also have many factors impact and above all is the sense of self.

Firstly, it can not denied that environment in universities and colleges where is providing clean atmosphere and effort for student study well. This can be seen by the fact that there are many books in library and modern facilities and you can use computer to surf information in internet. Especially, campus where has grassplots and tree and clean atmosphere for you convenient focus on study.

This brings me to my second point. In fact, good learn condition is not enough due to many factors effect. For instance, when you work with your friend or small group, then you and your team can improve each other. In addition, you go to practice also one of ways to have more experience from practical and other people.

Finally, above all is selves's consciousness in learning. This is show by poor student is both learned and worked because they do not time to library or go to practice that they still study well, even they get high achievement. Therefore, they realize aware of study is very important in both now and future.

All in all, as can be seen clearly that study well depend on good study condition , many factors impact and above all is belong to sense of self.

This essay is weaker than the other that you posted. I have to work hard to understand what you are saying. I understand your overall thesis -- that a clean learning environment is helpful, but that other factors such as sense of self are more important -- but the structure of your sentences is such that individual sentences are sometimes confusing.

I'd like to see you go back through this essay and, for each individual sentence, ask yourself: What am I trying to say? Then, express the thought as simply as possible, perhaps using two sentences. I think that the problem sometimes is that you are saying two things in one sentence.

For example, you write:
In fact, good learn condition is not enough due to many factors effect.
Here, I think you are meaning to say two things:
In fact, good learning conditions are not enough. Many other factors also affect the educational experience.

Be careful, too, that you don't get off topic. The prompt doesn't assert that an attractive and clean learning environment is the only factor necessary for students to study well, so you don't really need to argue that other factors are important. Rather, you need to decide whether or not the appearance of the learning environment is a key factor in helping students to learn effectively. For this sort of essay, it would probably be easier for you to list ways in which a clean learning environment makes it easier for students to do well in school, then either say that universities should therefore make an effort to provide such an environment, or that the students should be responsible for maintaining such an environment themselves, depending upon whether you agree or disagree with the second part of the prompt.