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IELTS TASK 2 - Clothes are the most important indication of your identity


Bayuwibowo 48 / 73 21  
Sep 21, 2015   #1
TOPIC :
Some people say that the clothes people wear are the most important indication of what they are like. Others, however, say that people should not be judged by the clothes they wear.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion
.

Fashion has become a primary need in lifestyle today. Although many people convinced clothes represent the truth of who you are, others think they cannot be judged in that way. In my opinion , use right clothes in the right places would be the best solution in these circumstances.

In these days , clothes function have been moved not only for covering our bodies, but also reveals our identity. For instance, someone will obtain a compliment from the other if they wear well-known branded clothes. We cannot take a walk in huge supermarket only use short pants and slipper. There was a research, that most of the salesgirl in department store chooses their target by looking at his appearance. This discovery emphasizes, if the good clothes will get more attention.

On the other hand, I would argue we cannot judge the individuals just from what they wear. The founder of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, is the good example of this condition. Even though he is the 11th richest man in the world (Forbes survey), he only wears a common t-shirt and trousers. Moreover, there are several crimes happen in immense town since the victim fooled by well suited clothes. The victim argued that the deceiver appearance is very neat and decided to join with their business, but in the end this deceiver disappear and take her money.

To sum up, this is inevitable, that fashion has a proportion in our life, but we should look deeper before judging somebody. Where possible, wear a proper clothes in order to adjust with the different conditions.

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Sep 21, 2015   #2
A few comments about the essay. Avoiding commentaries about the improper English grammar at the moment, I would like to focus on the ideas that you presented. While the essay presents some sound ideas, there is a problem with the presentation and format. While you present a pretty good opinion in your introduction. You were not able to fully discuss the 3 aspects of this essay which are:

1. It is correct to support the argument that clothes are an important indication of identity.
2. There is a valid reason for people to believe that clothes do not really indicate an important identity.
3. Your point of view that the identity is best assumed by the clothes one wears to specific events / situations.

There was a research, that most of the salesgirl in department store chooses their target by looking at his appearance.

- When you mention something specific such as "there was a research", you need to mention the title of the research and other supporting data. Otherwise your argument becomes invalid due to lack of supporting evidence. My advice is this: avoid mentioning any research when writing an essay. Instead, use common knowledge or personal experience to defend or oppose a stand. Such discussions are much more acceptable and easier to defend as it carries a more authoritative stance with the reader.

The founder of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, is the good example of this condition. Even though he is the 11th richest man in the world (Forbes survey)

- Good effort at mentioning a source. The problem, is that you did not give the title of the article or the year of publication. Again, it is best not to mention any specifics.Mark Zuckerberg is a well known public figure and is publicly known as one of the richest men in the world. There is no need to cite a source for common knowledge information.

Moreover, there are several crimes happen in immense town since the victim fooled by well suited clothes. The victim argued that the deceiver appearance is very neat and decided to join with their business, but in the end this deceiver disappear and take her money.

- Again, there is a lack of supporting information. This sounds like information you have from a personal experience. You can't state such information in general terms. the Zuckerberg explanation would have been more than enough to support your stand.

I suggest that you follow the following format when writing your essay so that you can always fully develop your ideas and stand on certain issues:

1. Use only one opposing stand. Make it a very strong reason that you can argue against.
2. Use only one supporting stand. The facts behind this stand must be able to successfully counter the opposing stand.
3. Discuss your point of view in detail. Connect it with either the opposing or supporting stand.
4. Conclude your essay.

The conclusion is acceptable and does not deviate too much from the prompt. No new ideas were presented in the conclusion which tells me that you learned from your mistakes in your previous essay. That is very good to see. As for the grammar, your ideas are good but not presented in the best grammatical manner. That is something that you will develop over time provided you continue to practice writing essays.
Diqon 10 / 33 12  
Sep 21, 2015   #3
some suggestions of your essay. I hope useful for your progress.

A fashion has become a primary need in lifestyle today. Although many people convinced clothes represent the truth of who you are, others think they can not be judged in that way. In my opinion , use using right clothes in the right places would be the best solution in these circumstances.

In these days , clothes' function have has been moved not only for covering our bodies, but also reveals our identity.

We can not take a walk in huge supermarket only use short pants and slipper.

On the other hand, I would argue we can not judge the individuals just from what they wear.

To sum up, this is inevitable, that fashion has a proportion in our life, but we should look deeper before prior to judging somebody.

Enjoy your Task, Thank You.
irfan727 49 / 68 29  
Sep 21, 2015   #4
hello bayu, lets try me to give some suggestions to you.
In my opinion , use
In these days , clothes
i guess the rule of using comma is after word without space, so it should be
In my opinion, use
In these days, clothes

clothes function have been moved not only for covering our bodies, but also reveals our identity
i guess you should change it becomes
the function of clothes has been moved not only for covering our bodies, but also show our identity

thanks, hope it can helps
lcturn87 - / 435 236  
Sep 21, 2015   #5
I can help you with some of your essay. When I read some of your conclusion, I think this is what you are trying to state: "Fashion has become a primary need in our lives today."

The second sentence there are some missing words that can be added: "Although many people are convinced that clothes represent who they are, others feel they should not be judged in that manner." I'm unsure about the last sentence. Do you mean that we should wear the appropriate attire or clothes for every occasion?

The second paragraph, you can delete some words: In these days Today, clothes function have been moved not only cover our bodies, but also reveals our identity. The next sentence has a good transition but you could say "...someone will receive a compliment from another person if they wear designer clothing."

This sentence can be deleted: We cannot take a walk in huge supermarket only use short pants and slipper .

Here is a suggestion for the next sentence: "For example, there was a research study done that observed how a saleswoman in a department store chose her target by looking at her customer's appearance." You need a transition. Also, I'm unsure if this was a saleswoman, but you should use "her" rather than their in this sentence.

The last sentence is a simple change: "This discovery emphasizes, if the that good clothes will get more attention."

I hope this helps you!
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459  
Sep 22, 2015   #6
Fashion has become a primary need in lifestyle today. Although many people [...]

The popularity of fashion always changes. As such, some people are bound to keep up to date with the recent fashion. While it is utterly true, since clothes can lead to social values, it is a false belief to judge people according what they wear.


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