A few comments about the essay. Avoiding commentaries about the improper English grammar at the moment, I would like to focus on the ideas that you presented. While the essay presents some sound ideas, there is a problem with the presentation and format. While you present a pretty good opinion in your introduction. You were not able to fully discuss the 3 aspects of this essay which are:
1. It is correct to support the argument that clothes are an important indication of identity.
2. There is a valid reason for people to believe that clothes do not really indicate an important identity.
3. Your point of view that the identity is best assumed by the clothes one wears to specific events / situations.
There was a research, that most of the salesgirl in department store chooses their target by looking at his appearance.
- When you mention something specific such as "there was a research", you need to mention the title of the research and other supporting data. Otherwise your argument becomes invalid due to lack of supporting evidence. My advice is this: avoid mentioning any research when writing an essay. Instead, use common knowledge or personal experience to defend or oppose a stand. Such discussions are much more acceptable and easier to defend as it carries a more authoritative stance with the reader.
The founder of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, is the good example of this condition. Even though he is the 11th richest man in the world (Forbes survey)
- Good effort at mentioning a source. The problem, is that you did not give the title of the article or the year of publication. Again, it is best not to mention any specifics.Mark Zuckerberg is a well known public figure and is publicly known as one of the richest men in the world. There is no need to cite a source for common knowledge information.
Moreover, there are several crimes happen in immense town since the victim fooled by well suited clothes. The victim argued that the deceiver appearance is very neat and decided to join with their business, but in the end this deceiver disappear and take her money.
- Again, there is a lack of supporting information. This sounds like information you have from a personal experience. You can't state such information in general terms. the Zuckerberg explanation would have been more than enough to support your stand.
I suggest that you follow the following format when writing your essay so that you can always fully develop your ideas and stand on certain issues:
1. Use only one opposing stand. Make it a very strong reason that you can argue against.
2. Use only one supporting stand. The facts behind this stand must be able to successfully counter the opposing stand.
3. Discuss your point of view in detail. Connect it with either the opposing or supporting stand.
4. Conclude your essay.
The conclusion is acceptable and does not deviate too much from the prompt. No new ideas were presented in the conclusion which tells me that you learned from your mistakes in your previous essay. That is very good to see. As for the grammar, your ideas are good but not presented in the best grammatical manner. That is something that you will develop over time provided you continue to practice writing essays.