Companies should allocate a certain percentage of job positions to women. Do you agree?

*The exact task/question for this exercise has been lost. I understand that you may not be able to determine if I answered the essay question correctly, could you assess if the organization, grammar, and cohesion/cohesiveness of my Academic IELTS Task 2 composition are sound?

Question as I vaguely remember: Companies should allocate a certain percentage of job positions to women. To what extent do you agree/disagree?

Women, who have been deprived from working in certain fields in our history, have found themselves excelling in different industries today. De-mystified by our current society, females proved themselves to be integral part of any work force conceivable. In light of this, some people suggest that companies must be compelled to assign women to high-level positions - which, according to certain individuals, is a position monopolized by men. However, I sincerely do not believe that this will have a beneficial effect to any parties. This can even negatively affect gender equality as it forces a group of individuals to assume a certain role without considering their own self-determination. On the other hand, education and performance would be suitable gauges in determining who deserves any position - may it be low- or high-ranking.

Gender equality is an ideology that essentially seeks to break limitations set by archaic stereotyping and to provide a society where opportunities of any genders are all equal. Requiring companies would then set a minimum limit of women allowed to work in an institution which in effect, force the society to create a new for of stereotyping: women are required to fill-in a high-level position.

Furthermore, education and proven track record are better criteria in appointing company employees than percentages of any kind. The goal of the company is to maximize its productivity therefore they must choose those who are able to demonstrate great adaptability from extensive knowledge in their field and a discernible past record that shows their excellence, regardless of sex roles.

In an overall perspective, forcing corporations to hire females just because they are compelled to is an offensive gesture affecting not only the company but our society as well. Nevertheless, there are other methods to determine who gets appointed such as educational background and past experiences.

The essay is solid and flows well, I personally couldn't find any grammar mistakes but others may find some. The only thing I would say to do is to maybe re-word the ending or add an ending that's a little bit stronger with more resonance, but other than that there's not much to say, well done.

Hi..., this essay is good. Yet, the introduction stated is too long. Your task is only simply restate the prompt given. Then, you need to present your claim, which should be debatable. By doing so, I believe that your opening paragraph looks more appealing.

As many students do, when it comes to the body paragraphs, the task is to introduce your claim by stating a good sentence for the topic. Here, you merely need to express your topic with the simple sentence structure. Then this is followed by an example. I did not see you write any detailed example in these bodies. This is the biggest mistake that could deduct your score. You can start asking journalistic questions: 5W + 1H. This formula leads you to have better example.

Last but not least, prior to closing your essay, you have to write a very powerful concluding paragraph. A concluding paragraph consists of a signal paragraph, like 'to sum up', all in all', 'in conclusion', etc. Afterwards, restating your point of view taken from the thesis statement is a must. Which means that you try to recall the information to the readers. Finally, it is always good to leave your personal thought in the end of the sentences. There are many ways to do that. One of them is your render suggestion. By doing so, your conclusion shuns being repetitive.

Good luck, mate.