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[IELTS TASK WRITING] The Comparison of Economic and Social Indicators of Four States


sholihin84 6 / 9  
Jan 28, 2016   #1
[From specific tabel 1.1] It can be exactly understood that in Canada, Japan, Peru, and Zaire the circumstance of annual income per peson; life expectancy at birth; daily calorie supply per person; and andult literacy rate inform a dynamic information. Therefore, it is important to be shortly described.

The data acquaints axiomatically that annual income per person of Japan is highest than canada's annual income in which the annual income of Japan is 15760 $ while the Canada annual is only 11100. It is certainly constrast with the annual income of two other countries-Peru and Zaire in which 160$ for Peru and 130$ for Zaire. Meanwhile, in the life expectancy at birth context, Japan is still dominance as country having a good life expectancy at birth. It is around 78 point. Its mean is that Japan diverge from Canada in one point. Then, both Peru and Zaire is bound in 51 and 47 point. In the aspect of daily calorie supply per person, it is relatively different with the recent data in which Canada is a little farther of Japan in 3326 point. In the interim, Japan only stays in 2846 level; Peru in 1927 point and Zaire in 1749 point. The final indicator is the adult literacy rate in percentage. It can be interpretated that between both Canada and Japan is as same as in their percetange-99%. Thus, the lowest percentage of adult literacy rate can be discovered in Zaire-34%. For the moment, Peru is comparatively higher than Zaire in 68%.

It can be summarized that Canada, Japan, Peru and Zaire's comparison each indicators-annual income; life expectation at birth; daily calorie supply; and adult literacy rate, shows the varied-information possibly indicating the level of growth having occurred in each states.[]

Pey28 8 / 13 1  
Jan 28, 2016   #2
Halo Mr. Sholihin,
First, don't forget to attach image for your essay.
:)

In introduction, I think you should use comma (not the semicolon)
Also, it will better if you give the overview of the data.

Here, some corrections :

s highest than canada's annual income

.
"$" written before the number and use comma for hundred

Japan is 15760 $$15,760 while the Canada annual is only $11,100

I suggest you can write down in the word apps instead on this website directly.
Thank you
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Jan 28, 2016   #3
You did not format the report summary properly. When you write yout thesis statement, you must provide a description of the illustration you were provided. Was it a chart? A diagram? A pie chart? A bar chart? A line chart? What? You cannot use the description or label of the illustration in the opening statement. The description of the chart is part of the summary overview. You also cannot say that it is important to be described because you will be describing it anyway. Actually, you don't even need to say that. All you had to do was transition into the informative paragraph that would explain the information found in the chart.

While your information sharing in the body of the essay is most certainly acceptable, informative, and highly professional in presentation, your concluding statement did not present itself in the same manner. You cannot have just a single sentence, regardless of its length, representing your conclusion. Instead, you should break up the long sentence into short sentences by using periods. The constant semi-colon usage makes the paragraph just an over-long sentence. So it is best to just follow the format rules and present the essay in its expected form.


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