IELTS Writing Task 2 - "Comparison of Films production then and now..."

Dear everyone, now I have an essay topic about Film Production:

Films were produced by big companies in the past, but today people are able to make a film.

Do you think this trend is positive or negative?

I have 2 versions of the essay samples, but I choose this one to show you guys. I'll be glad to receive any recommendations from everyone.

"In the past, a film was a series of moving pictures, usually shown in a cinema or on television. The business of making films was responsible for vast companies, but at present, people are able to make films by mobile phones or media devices. In my opinion, I agree this tendency is positive.

Technology innovation is an opportunity for individuals who can create video films following their creation. Today, our online habits are transforming the way we consume video content and film, whether in blockbuster productions or the advertising industry. The disadvantage of film productions in vast companies is related to budget, the money which was purchased to watch a professional film is higher than other films made by individuals. Besides that, a shift from traditional broadcasting such as theaters (always depend on film production companies) to extensive distribution across global networks such as Facebook, website, Netflix, Amazon, and Pact having equivalent production quality standards is also the competitive advantage of personal films.

The critical thing is that movies are made by professional production enterprises would not be affected by other personal film productions. The truth is the most cinematographic products were supported by the large financial and latest technical assistance, this can not occur in the case of individuals. Thus, this film making tendency would not affect huge production companies. In addition to that, a person who has talent is the potential workforce for professional production organizations can exploit and promote.

In conclusion, making video or film content is a beneficial tendency. The assistance of technology and online movie viewing platform was encouraging the development of film production."

The first sentence seems more like a definition that you took out of a dictionary rather than a personal insight into film making. The reviewer may view this as a memorized presentation in an actual test. Bear in mind that you will not have access to additional writing materials at the testing center when you take the test. So always use personal definitions or understanding of a term when describing it.

This discussion does not sound like a personal original piece of writing to me. I have read something highly similar online by another student who will be taking the test. Are you sure you did not plagiarize the work of another student instead? The information contained in this essay represents more of a synonym writing exercise on your part, rather than an originally written piece. Restating the facts from another writer is not a good way to practice writing the task 2 essays.

Your essay is great! However, I personally think that the conclusion can be expended a little bit so that the readers can have better impression of your essay after finish reading, also expanding the last paragraph will help your essay to have better structure. Usually, I tend to give my own opinion, lessons for the readers or predictions related to the topic.

Hope this will help.

@Holt

Thanks for your comment.

In the beginning, the first sentence is the definition that I got from the dictionary and the second one did not. It was my presentation because I have some research about film making and maybe that information was similar to your knowledge. I did not use or restart other essays, as you said that it is not the right way to improve my writing skills and I can know your consideration.

I will focus on your suggestion in the next essays.

Anyway, you are very detailed in each comment, thanks a lot for your patience.