I-E-L-T-S competition and co-operate

Topic: some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged.Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.Discuss both these views and give own opinion.

Society is developing faster and faster. Everyone needs to catch up the steps. The person who is good at competitions and co-operation would be the perfect guy to survive in this cruel society.

Competition makes people pay more attention on their works. It also makes people becomes more enthusiastic. No one wants other to say that he is bad or he's work is worse than others. Competition can ignite someone's willing to finish his or her products sooner and better, so they put more efforts on it.They don't want to be beat by others. That's a good thing for everyone who doesn't have mood to do anything. Also,the competition makes our society developing more quickly. There are tons of different companies in different areas now.They have to compete to each other if they want to make more money and keep surviving.

On the other hands, I would say that co-operation is way more important than the competition. We are human beings.We are the smartest creatures on earth, and everybody knows that two persons' strength is always more powerful than one's . Think about it, there is no one company which is consisted of only one person.Co-operation makes people communicate to each others, people sharing ideas with each other, and when lots of good ideas come together , a new company may establish.Anyway,the society we are living right now has many different person which means everyone has to used to it and get along with others.Otherwise, you may not be able to have the life as what you want.

I wouldn't say a person who is more competitive is better than a man likes co-operate with others,either reversely. You can not compare them together. Both of them is important for a person being successful.

Can someone helps me to edit it pl z ? :) Thank you so much !!

"... he is bad or he'shis work is worse than others"
"...there is no one company which is..."
"Co-operation makes people communicate to each others, people sharingand share ideas with each other..."
"...,the society we are living right now has many different person which means everyone has to used to it and get along with others" ----> personally I found this is a vague explanation. Here's my suggested revise:

...the society we are living in right now has involved many different types of person and in order to have successful cooperations, everyone needs to learn how to get along with each other ...

thank you so much, and do u have any idea about what score i can get from 1-9. can i get a 6 ? i know that i need more practices.

This intro uses a straightforward way to your point of view. However, this failed to present what the prompt is asking you. I suggest that you simple paraphrase the keywords from the question. For this question, a closer look at the red ones below:


Here is the result:
More attention should be paid to how to educate children. As per educational stakeholders, it is necessary to encourage children to take part in activities resulting in a sense of competition. While this idea is true to some extent, some others argue that children are taught to promote a need for cooperation so as to be more useful adults. Therefore, I would argue that children should be equipped with these life skills.