Welcome to the forum. Glad to see your writing. I suggest you to follow the below essay structure as strict rules, in order to achieve band 7 in IELTS writing module
This point is best illustrated with the example of United State. As being considered the most democratic country of the world, American is proud to claim that they live in the country of freedom. Unfortunately, the U.S government was currently unveiled by the mass media that they secretly supervised all the civil communication on phone and internet. This news shocked the public and aroused a great deal of concern, because it violates the principles of freedom.
-- Never discuss both prons and cons of your examples at the same place. If you are providing an example in support of your idea. stay intact with that prompt. Dont give negative side of the same.
try to use synonyms of the words rather than using the same work repetitively.
for eg: Freedom --> liberty, Speech -- Voice,
Good Luck !!!