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I need correct my TOEFL Independent Writing: Raising children in urban or rural areas

silkworm 1 / 1  
May 29, 2017   #1

Place to live and better chance for a child's future

The argument about a child should grow in a large city or a small town has not been new on media. Several people believe that countryside keeps children away from the risks in modern society. I, on the other hand, agree with the opinion for growing children in an urban area because of two reasons which I will explore in the following essay. I feel this way for two reasons, which I will explore in the following essay.

To begin with, a big city centralizes a vast number of schools and cultural facilities. Children have more opportunities in determining a good education from primary schools to universities in urban areas; the key for children to approach a brighter future. My own experience is a compelling example of this. I lived in a big city, the capital of the country, where I have studied for eighteen years but no need to move out of the city. The schools and the university in my city belong to the top rankings in the education system. Along with the good education, My study boosted by the large system of national libraries where I spent most of my childhood reading books and developing computer skills. As the result of this, I built my passion for computer science, and now, I am a scientist in Artificial Intelligent.

Secondly, children who live in a big city has more chance to obtain the best healthcare system. As we know, children with the incomplete immune system have to face many hazards. Even if there are scores of diseases will change the ability of a child for a long time if he or she is not treated well. I have a friend who I met in the third year at university. The guy is disadvantage just because he got a fever when he was seven years old. At the time he got sick, the vaccine and technology to defeat fever presented almost of the drug stores in urban but lacking in the rural area. From the stories which I have heard in my life, the children live more beneficial in a big city than a small town.

In conclusion, I always believe that children need to grow in cities than rural areas. This is because they gain more chance in the future by a good education and necessary healthcare system.

Holt [Contributor] - / 8,804 2614  
May 29, 2017   #2
Thanh, your essay doesn't clearly depict the type of essay discussion you are expected to present in the essay. While the topic is clear, the discussion type (e.g. comparison or opinion essay) needs to be clear as well. Remove that sentences such as "I will explore in the following essay" because it shows a lack of grammar range on your part. Try to always release a sentence, even if it means the same thing. Be consistent in your discussions. If you discuss the advantage of the educational system in the first part, then show the discharge in the second part. That will give validity and credence to your life of reasoning presented and also show your ability to think logically and coherently in English. Work on developing a proper conclusion on your essay. It takes more than just 2 lines to properly close a week developed essay. Summarize and then conclude using all aspects of discussion, not just your personal opinion.
OP silkworm 1 / 1  
May 30, 2017   #3
Holt, I appreiciate your comments. I am not clear with your opinion: "It takes more than just 2 lines to properly close a week developed essay." I want to write more but I was afraid that I did not finish it within 30 mins.

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