In many countries imprisonment is the most common solution to crimes. Ielts 2

This is my ielts writing task 2. Can some one help me check and give me some advives.

Education as a Deterrent to Crime

Topic:
In many countries imprisonment is the most common solution to crimes.
However some people believe that better education will be a more effective solution. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

My answer:

In many countries imprisonment is the most common solution to crimes. However, some people believe that the reduction of crime rate will be achieved more effectively through better education. I agree with this view.

On the one hand, crimes caused by lack of perceptive power to distinguish both right and wrong. On the other hand, people who couldn't control their emotion are easy committing a crime. Meanwhile, prison doesn't solve the problem to the every roots. It is just effective in dealing with offenders in the short-term. Murders, for instance, must be imprisoned for many years and such a punishment may act as a deterrent. They know that they will face loss of freedom, social isolation and separation from their loved ones if they carry out such criminal acts.

However, I believe that education has a better role to cope with crimes. Firstly, people should train power of discernment to gain knowledge about right and wrong. Every wrong acts have bad consequences. As a result, they are better prepared to avoid situations which may involve them in crime. Secondly, psychology education is an important step which helps people increase their awareness about self negative emotion may lead them to wrong behaviours. Lastly, in prison themselves, educational programmes must aim to provide prisoners with skills and qualifications to reintegrate community and find work when they are released.

I consider that imprison is not the best effective weapon to fight against crimes in the long-term, and I believe that providing better education is a more essential and durable solution to reduce the crime rate.

@tamminh
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I hope my feedback gives you insight on how to improve your writing.

First and foremost, the first paragraph is a bit bland because of the lack of substance. When we take a look at, for instance, how you transitioned from the second sentence to the third, it doesn't necessarily pull the strings of the readers. What I recommend is trying to ease the flow of your writing. The second sentence appears to be a rather biased perception; try to always ensure that you have a balanced approach to writing.

I have also observed that you still lack incorporating depth into your writing. When we take a glance at the body paragraphs, it is observable how you did not incorporate substantive and concrete information that would create more definition to the examples that you were placing in your writing.

The conclusion also lacks the same weight onto it, especially because you did not have a briefed analysis on what should be anticipated in the entirety of the writing.

Best of luck!