In some countries, secondary school aims to provide a general education across a range of subjects.

In numerous countries, the education system encompasses a diverse array of subjects, facilitating students in acquiring a broad base of knowledge. Conversely, in some nations, secondary students concentrate on subjects that align with their future career aspirations. While the advantages of a comprehensive curriculum are evident, the merits of a specialized approach should not be overlooked.
It is widely acknowledged that exposure to a variety of subjects enriches students' understanding and enhances their personal skills, fostering adaptable and versatile thinkers. Furthermore, when students gain knowledge from foundational subjects such as mathematics, music, chemistry, and the arts, they acquire essential insights into the world around them. This broad-based knowledge not only empowers learners to make informed decisions about their future career paths but also cultivates critical thinking skills. For example, a chemist must possess an understanding of socio-economic factors to effectively apply their scientific knowledge in real-world contexts. Similarly, an artist may encounter significant challenges without a solid grasp of financial management principles. Therefore, a well-rounded curriculum provides secondary school students with the opportunity to explore various subjects and discover their vocational interests.
Despite these advantages, I advocate for the perspective that specialized training may be a more advantageous choice, as it can better prepare students for their future careers. Engaging in a specialized program early on allows students to develop in-depth knowledge and expertise in their chosen field, paving the way for significant advancements in their careers. In today's highly competitive job market, possessing specialized knowledge can provide students with a distinct advantage during the interview process. Moreover, specialization often leads to early mastery and a focused career trajectory. In industries such as technology and healthcare, where specific skills are in high demand, early specialized training may facilitate quicker mastery and accelerated career progression.
In conclusion, I believe that an effective educational approach should integrate general education with a gradual introduction to career-oriented subjects in the later stages of secondary education. This balanced model would equip students with both the broad knowledge necessary for adaptability and the specialized skills required for success in their chosen career paths.

I believe that the prompt you are trying to respond to is as follows:

In some secondary schools, students are provided with a general education across a range of subjects.
In others, however, they focus on fewer subjects related to a particular career.
Which do you think is appropriate in today's world?

Based on this original prompt, it would appear to the examiner that you did not understand the discussion requirements. You discussed the essay based upon an advantage v. disadvantage comparison format, when a single opinion based representation was required. Therefore, your restatement and writer's opinion is incorrect, resulting in a failing preliminary TA score on the basis of an incorrect response format. You altered the original prompt by indicating "numerous countries" when this wa not stated in the original presentation, and you referred to advantages and disadvantages as the discussion format for the reasoning paragraphs, which was not the content of the original writing guide. The starting preliminary score of this essay will be a failing one and thus, almost ensure that the additional deductions will result in a non passing score.

The overall formatting for the representation is also incorrect. There should be a space between paragraphs so that the examiner will clearly see that all the paragraph requirements have been followed. The essay is not in a scannable format at the moment, which will result in a problem overall for the final score.