In many countries, teenagers are encouraged to find part-time jobs. What's your opinion about this?

WHETHER TEENAGERS SHOULD HAVE PART-TIME JOBS OR NOT?

In many countries, teenagers are encouraged to find part-time jobs. Some think this is a good development while others disagree. Discuss both view and give your own opinion?

In recent years, there has been a debatable issue about whether adolescents should work part-time or not. While many people argue that it helps young people to develope better, i believe that it has more disadvantages than that.

On the one hand, it is true that nowadays, the world has progressed and the youth is 100% our future, which means that besides studying academically, mastering soft skills is also vital. Moreover, with the appearance of technological devices such as smartphone, computers and so so, many youngsters have a tendency of being lazy and totally depend on those devices so part-time jobs are the good opportunities for them to improve themselves. They have chances to manipulate knowledge into practise, know how to be responsible to what they are doing, manage their time better and be highly self-disciplined. For instance, when a high school student become a tutor, he has to study so hard to pass his academic knowledge on other people or when he becomes a waiter, he need to communicate effectively. Furthermore, by working with experienced people, teenagers will acquire more experience in life and appreciate the value of money, which in turn make them realize how hard working is and focus on studying.

On the other hand, working part-time affects a person's education. Instead of studying, students may only concentrate on working in order to earn money, which makes them distracted and fall behind with their studies. Moreover, after a hard day studying, youngsters will be under enormous pressure when they have to work in lieu of relaxing. And many companies now do not take on employers who are still students as they are inexperienced and do not old enough bear responsibilities before the law. For me, the main duty of teenagers is studying. If they want to acquire soft skills, they can take part in outside activities or doing volunteer work, which are held by schools. Teachers and parents play an integral part in instilling their children the value of learning as well.

In conclusion, part-time jobs be certainly beneficial, but i believe that they have more drawbacks than advantages.

Some grammatical errors I spotted are:
... to develope better, i believe ... ( develop and I (CAP)).

... such as smartphones
... to manipulate knowledge into practise, ... (put knowledge into practice, responsible for)
... student becomes a tutor
he needs to ...
realize how hard-working is ...
part-time jobs be certainly beneficial (are)

It appears that you did not fully understand the discussion instruction for this essay. The instructions provided required you to discuss the essay in a compare and contrast method, followed by a presentation of your personal opinion. Your discussion is based instead on an advantage and disadvantage discussion. You did not discuss the essay in the correct manner. The examiner will look at the original prompt and your response to the prompt. He will realize that you misunderstood the discussion instructions and accidentally created your own discussion prompt. For clarity purposes, let me show you exactly how the mistake came about:

OI: Discuss both view and give your own opinion?
YR: i believe that it has more disadvantages than that.

As you can see, your response cannot be considered prompt responsive because your response is unrelated to the task you were given in the original prompt instructions. So, your essay will fail a major scoring consideration, the Task Accuracy section.

At this point, I will not continue to review the rest of your essay. It will be silly of me to do so because the overall errors in the essay, when combined with the failing TA score, will not result in a passing score for you anyway.

I strongly advise you to stop writing Task 2 essays at this point. Instead, read up on example responses to various prompt statements. You will not lack for those at this forum. Learn to identify the proper discussion types, based on the prompt discussion instructions. Only when you understand the different topics, discussion types, and discussion approaches, will you be able to properly respond to a Task 2 essay. It is important that you never change the discussion format and that you do not change the discussion instructions so that you can pass the test.

Thank you very much for your time on giving me feedback. I highly appreciate your feedback