who's the most responsible for the decline in crime?
Some people think that the government should be responsible for crime prevention, while others believe that it is the responsibility of the individual to protect themselves. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.
In consideration of the fact of crime rate have been rising at alarming rate, Some argued that self-prevention of individual is the most efficient way to defend against crime. while I agreed that though there is a necessity for each individual to learn some self-dense techniques, the role of government is more significant in preventing crime.
On the one hand, each individual is certainly responsible for crime prevention. It is true that everyone of us cannot guarantee that police can be presented all the time. Hence, mastering certain techniques such as kungfu, karate, boxing can definitely help an individual protect themselves from an unforeseen incidence of criminal activity. In Japan, attempts to mandatorily implement such a self-defense training in school have been caught out and they have achieved a visible outcome since students are independent and responsible enough for crime prevention.
On the other hand, there is a limit to what an individual can do on their own, as crime are getting more intense and are posing a more considerable threat to society nowadays. Only government can make crime rate in check by enforcing a stringent rule regarding offenders and ensuring police department is proactive enough. I believe these definitely constitute visible deterrents to those needy minds and help reduce crime rate to a great extent. For example, while India are suffering from a constant increase of crime rate due to its lenient law and loose police department, other places such as middle east who with harsh penalty are having the lowest crime rate.
In conclusion, I believe while each member of society is held accountable for crime prevention, government has a major responsibility in preventing crime.
thank you for your reading! i will be really appreciate if you are willing to feedback :D
Holt Educational Consultant - / 15461 Proper nouns such as Kungfu are always capitalized. Since this is being spelled in the British English language, there are differences between the American and British word spelling that need to be noted. One of these differences is in the way the word self - defense (American) is spelled self - defence (British). Kindly remember that you cannot use a capital letter after a comma, unless stating a proper noun. You made this mistake in the essay presentation. I think you made a mistake with your punctuation mark, which is why this error was created.
This is a 5 paragraph comparison and personal opinion discussion essay. You did not reflect that in the original prompt and you did not use the proper public point of view reference words in your body paragraphs. The combination would have automatically failed this essay in the TA section, thus causing you to fail the whole test. The correct paraphrase is:
Crime prevention is seen by most citizens as being part of local community governance. However, there are some community members who opine that personal safety is an individual issue. Since I have concerns regarding this discussion, I thought it best to consider the points of each discussion so that I can come to a personal conclusion regarding it.
This type of essay follows a 5 paragraph format composed of:
- Paraphrase
- POV 1 (Community safety supporters explain that...)
- POV 2 :Normally the side you support (self-defence advocates support the idea that...)
- Personal opinion (I support the discussion that indicates...)
- Concluding summary
If you review successful Task 2 essays, you will note that their conclusions do not contain personal opinions but instead, summarizes the body paragraphs prior to closing the discussion. In this instance, your essay is not concluded, even though you said "In conclusion" because there was no summary presented. You have to build your personal opinion in a prior paragraph first.
You have already received a comment on your structure, so I shall point out grammar mistakes that I have found.
There is an incorrect usage of "self-prevention of individual", maybe you mean protection?
"In consideration of the fact of crime rate have been rising..." should be "In consideration of the fact that crime rate has been rising", because it is the third form of the present perfect continuous tense.
"Some argued..." should be "some argue..." because the question prompt uses the present continuous tense, so should you. Same problem with "while I agreed" which should be "while I agree..."
"everyone of us cannot guarantee..." you use the pronoun incorrectly. You can say "No one can be guaranteed the...".
"...as crime are getting more..." should be "...as crime is getting more...", because this is present continuous, third form.
"to society" requires an indefinite article and should be "to a society".
"Only government can make crime rate in check..." should be "only government can keep the crime in check..." because the correct idiom is "to keep something in check", which means to keep someone or something under control.
Again, "India are suffering..." should be "India is suffering", because India is a country, and a country is a singular noun. Same with Middle East. Should be "Middle East, which is having..."
crime
Thank you so much for your feedback. I really appreciate that and will work harder for my essay. @serbinax
