I need your suggestion and average score for this writing
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Each year, the crime rate increases. what are the causes of crime and what could be done to prevent this rise in criminal activity?
The inclining number of criminal activity can be seen every year. The crime will not be happened without any causes, yet problem can be avoided before it has happened if government and individuals find the solution.
Nowadays, low economy and broken family become the prominent reason why many people among adults and teenagers doing crime. The poorer may commit crime like mugging or even murdering others in order to obtain some money. Furthermore, broken family evokes teenagers to do crime which bothering others. Without any control from their parents, they will join in the gangs and commit juvenile delinquency. As a result, the children from broken family will be influenced negatively by their friends since they are promised comfortable situation and fun activities in the gang. It is evident that both financial crisis and bad condition of family cause an enormous problem which is called crime.
Turning to measures, government and all society are obligated to solve this problem. Based on the cases explained above, the source of crime is anxiety of financial crisis and family. Therefore, this problem should be coped with from its source. Firstly, in order to help low economy people, government should widen up the job opportunities. For instance, government can cooperate with local and multi-national company to generate many job vacancies. In addition, individuals have to take a big responsibility as well by protecting their family. All parents should keep their home comfortable, fun, and safe as their children expect. They should be children's friends and guide them to participate in positive activities. Yet, it can be seen that the role of government in avoiding crime should be supported by the role of society.
It is proved that the criminal activity rate inclines steadily every year because bad condition from people's living area and economy. Yet, this problem can be prevented if government and individuals take responsibility in it.
Tria, I would like to try to assess your writing based on IELTS writing public band descriptors of Task 2.
Task Response
- Fortunately, you got 1 positive feature of band 7.0 in this part. You were able to address all parts of the task by giving reasons and solutions for this problem. However, it is so unfortunate that you got 1 negative feature of band 6.0. You were able to present a relevant position even though the conclusion was unclear. Therefore, you are able to reach 6.5 for task response.
Coherence and Cohesion
- This is the part which dragged down your score. There were many inaccurate use of cohesive devices and some of them made your essay sounds less formal. For example, you were using 'YET (coordinating conjunction) many times', 'firstly' without even mentioning 'secondly', and missing transitional signal in the last part (there is no 'in conclusion/to sum up'). Thus, you only gain 5.0 for this part.
Lexical Resource
- Be careful, introduction and conclusion is the most noticeable part of an IELTS essay. Therefore, paraphrasing it carelessly will make your vocabulary range score somewhere between 5.0 and 6.0. This is because you were accidentally using limited range of vocabulary, but somehow your body paragraphs' vocabulary help raising your score. So, I think this worth 5.5.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
- Unfortunately, there were still some errors regarding to this part. However, this was not reduce the communication. The good point is your essay was still understandable although some grammatical errors persisted. Then, you were also using the combination of complex sentences and simple sentences. As a result, this part is possible to reach 6.0.
Overall, your essay is worth between 5.5 and 6.0. However, do not worry about this prediction score. This is not the actual score of yours, but perhaps some points can be taken into consideration for the sake of your improvement in writing. :)
