If criminals have punishments that are not severe enough, it may encourage people to commit crimes

hi everyone...
this is my IELTS essay and I really want to improve my writing skill
please help me to check the logic, structure and gramma...
I will very appreciately

subtitle--some people think that criminals should be given longer terms in prison , so as to reduce the crime rate . To extent do you agree or disagree

Now days , the crime happened around our environment more frequently, therefore we do not feel as safe as before, and even our mind have vision the violent occurred to us . As a result , people suggests extent the longer prison's term in order to decline the crime rate by the person who scare to do the bad thing . Perhaps it is helpful to resist some problems, but in my opinion that might not the best solution prevented the crime happening.

Firstly, the severe charge may causes some criminals who have extraordinary character desire to obey rules, such as the creation of the greatest crime's history or record. So it is possible push these people to choose the huger vice committing it then the smaller one, because it provides them more excited. According to this situation, when the law is more serious, the result is not only put the crime rate fall down, but also let the crueler crime happened, maybe.

Furthermore, the criminals also contain young person who do not actually know doing something wrong combined grave consequence. Some of them, might learned the less education, the poor law knowledge or grew up in the complex background making friends who maybe had been in the prison. In the case, the law strictly will be in terms of the human right issue that it depends on the judge how to distinguish.

Overall, better communication in families and schools about doing the right thing and dealing with problems without resorting to crime, would be most helpful. It is also important to educate the criminals before they leave the prison. This is probably the right way cause a decline in the crime rate.

The grammar here needs quite a bit of work. For some of the sentences, it is difficult to suggest a fix because it is not clear what exactly you are trying to say. For instance:

"with we are not safety as before, instead of dangerous in our mind" What exactly do you mean here? The obvious gloss would be "We are not as safe as before, and so feel less safe psychologically," but that is really just a guess.

To improve, start by studying the basic parts of speech (nouns, verbs, prepositions, etc) and how they fit together. For instance "the successful of communication" is grammatically unsound because it has an article that applies to no noun.

It is difficult to give more detailed advice, because I don't know what your first language is, and it makes a difference. Going from French to English is easier, and requires a different approach, than going from German to English, which is again still easier, and requires a different approach, than going from Chines to English. And so on.

thanks a lot...really thanks
I will try hard to improve by the way
I come from Taiwan
My language is Chinese
If you don't mind
please give me more detail check

If criminals have punishments that are not severe enough, it may encourage people to commit crimes because the punishment is not so bad if they get caught. More severe punishment of criminals might deter those who would consider committing a crime, and may even cause more significant and grave offenses. So I think the growing crime rate may lessen, if criminals get a bigger penalty.

Furthermore, for a whole community, it would be [. . .] established safety society.
I'm not sure what you are saying here, (above) do you think there should be greater punishment? Do you think that for young people or 'first time offenders' should get less punishment?

Overall, better communication in families and schools about doing the right thing and dealing with problems without resorting to crime, would be most helpful. It is also important to educate the criminals before they leave the prison. This is probably the right way cause a decline in the crime rate.

Does that sound right?

:)

thanks a lot
It's really usefull
I make some sense
thanks

When you fix it up, re-post it here and we will give you all the help you need.

:)

hi
thanks a lot...I rewrite this...it might be closer my opinion
I find out my logic sometimes very strange when I wrote a artical by English
forgive me...I will do more practice