IELTS Writing : Current trend of becoming vegetarian

EVERYONE SHOULD BECOME VEGETARIAN

BECAUSE THEY DO NOT NEED MEAT TO HAVE A HEALTHY DIET.
DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?

It has been advisable that people should go vegan and the idea of eating meat is rapidly diminishing. Personally, I strongly disagree with this current trend.

There are two serious mistakes that the supporters of this view has. Firstly, it is scientifically proven that a healthy diet has to contain meat. Dietary meals with solely fruits and vegetables do not guarantee optimal eating plan for people. Each kind of food provide a certain substance needed for the body and the lack of even one of these nutrients would result in a a great number of diseases for human body. I believe a good diet is the one that balances the amount of all nutritions and eats according to the nutritional demands of the body.

Another compelling reason that makes me turn down this idea is that meat plays a vital role for human life. Since meat include a large amount of protein, this could be beneficial to the body due to the need for it. Protein contributes to the internal activities of the body such as the repair and building the body tissues as well as the production of antibodies that would protect the body from injections, thus strengthening the immune system. Lack of meat could cause to a wide range of problem to people, especially children. For instance, children from low-income background that are not provided tend to have malnutrition and poor health condition. In addition, vegetarians are more likely to lack of vitamins and minerals which meat-eaters rarely do.

To conclude, it is obvious that people should not reject meat from their daily meals since a diet without meat would not provide a heated lifestyle and it even causes some of the health problems due to meat lack.

Here are some of my comments:
scientifically proved
the supporters of this view have
Each kind of food provides

This is only my personal opinion but there are many vegetarians who still lead a healthy life although they don't eat meat, so the second controlling idea in the body is not very persuasive to me

Lan, look out for the subject - verb agreement contradictions in your essay. The proper term to use when referring to the supporters, is "have" not "has" because you are speaking in terms of the present, not the past. You also should show that you have a strong opinion in the essay by using words such as "must have meat" rather than "has to have meat". The former being the more authoritative and active voice in the discussion. Remember to proofread your work before submission. Simple mistakes such as a repeated word like "a a" could have an effect on your GRA score if done repeatedly in the essay. You also need to familiarize yourself with the singular-plural form of words. There are some words like "nutrition" that have the same word form when indicating both the plural and singular references of the term. Just adding an S at the end of a word does not immediately make it plural. Such a mistake will reflect badly on your grammar abilities.

The first sentence in your first reasoning paragraph should have been merged with your thesis statement at the start of the essay. That is because it lays out the foundation for the overall discussion. The thesis response should have been:

I disagree with this trend because of what I believe are two mistakes that the supporters of this view have.

Since this is not an extent essay, it does not ask "to what degree do you agree or disagree", then there is no need to use an emotional response such as "I strongly disagree". A simple response is all that is required.

Please remember the 3-5 sentence ruling per paragraph. Do not go beyond that mandated format. Your opening paraphrase and concluding summary are both incomplete and do not offer the required elements for the discussion. If you review the sample essays here, you will clearly see that the number of sentences for both paragraphs have a clear bearing on your TA and C&C scores.

While you did write a good number of words at 290, avoid writing more than the 5 sentence maximum per paragraph as you did in your second to the last paragraph. The additional information at the end was totally unnecessary and created an under developed presentation that would have an effect on your C&C score because each paragraph is supposed to have only one topic per paragraph unless properly transitioned within the paragraph with a transition sentence. The included subject must also be fully developed in the same paragraph otherwise it creates an unclear and non-cohesive discussion in that presentation.