Imaging that one day I were to be given a gift of money which enough to purchase a jewelry or a concert ticket ,Instead of spending it at one time ,I would use it as a wiser way .
First of all. my mother always tell me that don't spend your money frivolously, so the first thing I want to do is to put aside a percentage of it in bank. Since we can never tell what will happen in the future, saving moneyguarantees that unexpctted things. For example, When disaster strikes, like a sudden illness occurs in the family, having money in hands can mean the difference between life and death. If we don't have enough money at hand, we can only turn to friends or family for help which have become less possible in our times.
Another choice is choosing a short-term travel. I would prefer to go hiking in a mountain small village or a small unknown town which has different living custom from the city where I lived. I like travelling because of making friends with all kinds of people, which would make me knowlegable and broaden my horizon. The most importance thing, I think, is that by travelling you can improve a great number of useful skills. For example, when I travel alone, I have to learn how to cummunicate with local people, even have to learn how to speak another language, things like that, which would improve my interpersonal relationship in my future career.
In the end, a gift of money also can be used in the way that helps a student who cannot affort to schoool. I have heard many news about those poor students have to quit their schools because of lacking tuition fees. For instance, in my city, money that can buy a jewerly or a ticket of concert which can cover a average student two months for living.
Anyway, as I mentioned above, a gift of money for me should be used in a wise way like saving, travelling and helping other rather than just enjoying it by wasting.
-Sabrina, u have a lot of punctual mistakes accompanied by ur grammatical ones. I think you should read a sentence and translate it in ur native language..n see what u wrote...i started like that only...translate evry sentence in ur native language when u write n then see if it makes any sense or not...
- u have stated financial security in ur essay.u can also add another very strong point that u cn spend it buying ur books or use it for anything which would be helpful for ur career....that wud b also a good point i feel...
-rest sentence structure is not up to the mark..keep trying to improve it...Tense, agreement of the verb with the subject, n other parts of speech...do read them what they actually mean n see if u can understand them.
SPELLING MISTAKES-
Imaging - IMAGINING (both spellings are write, but imaging is a wrong usage here. )
jewelry, jewerly-JEWELLERY
unexpctted- UNEXPECTED
knowlegable- KNOWLEDGEABLE
affort- AFFORD
PUNCTUATION MISTAKES-
-First of all. my mother always tell me that don't spend your money frivolously, so the first thing I want to do is to put aside a percentage of it in bank
(First of all, my mother always tells me that don't spend your money frivolously, so the first thing I want to do is to put aside a percentage of it in the bank)
-saving moneyguarantees (saving money guarantees)
-For example, When disaster strikes, like a sudden illness occurs in the family, having money in hands can mean the difference between life and death.(Dont start a word with capital letter after a comma, as u did in ur sentence -For example, When....)
-I would prefer to go hiking in a mountain small village or a small unknown town which has different living custom from the city where I lived.-----TO long sentence. dont write like that. sentence structure is ruined because of this.
- SENTENCE STRUCTURE
the number of mistakes in sentence structure is a little more than expected from you my friend.A small mistake can be neglected, but there are a lot of them here.re-read the whole essay and translate it in your native language.
- CONCEPT OF ESSAY
dont give excessive examples. there are way too many examples in your essay. moreover , maybe u shud write ur topic/question of the essay here. that would make it easy for anyone to understand what is asked n how have u replied to it.
PRACTICE the book i told u about,,,,,,i m sure u will be able to understand what i exactly mean to tell u.
enjoy, cheers n keep working....
all the best
Ajit
Hi Ajit
I think you must be a little disappointed about me, because I still have so many mistakes.It seems it would take a long time to grasp the main point of writting a essay. Thank you for your patient and how kind of you !
Give me some times and believe I can do better next time. I hope everytime I can get a little progress.
Best wishes. :)
