The recent report shows, due to downturn in oil prices and globalization has boosted the tourism sector. Hence, many countries like Dubai, Singapore and some of the European countries, are capitalizing on this opportunity by promoting their tourism industries. However, some people hold an opinion, tourism having a negative effect on their culture and traditions. There are, therefore, people on the both sides of argument either for or against.
Let's have a look at it's negatives, some in society have raised an concern over diminishing of their native culture and traditions. To maximize economical gain people have compelled to assimilate in foreign culture. For example, Carnival, Brazil's festival of colors and costumes, many tourist flock to Brazil every year. There has been rise in crimes such as drugs, theft, to cater to tourist need. Also, many xenophobic attacks have been reported.
However, looking at other side of argument, tourism has greatly helped poor section of society. Tourism have fueled infrastructure development like hotel, restaurant, water-parks, cab services, etc. Also, people to people contact not only benefited economically, also, made people more liberal and open minded. These exemplify, tourism has proved to be catalyst for socio-economic growth in many countries.
To sum up, as they say "there are two sides of every coin". Tourism is no exception to that. Although, there are some drawbacks. Nonetheless, positives outweigh all negatives. Hence, tourism should be encouraged in any country, as, it helps to alleviate poverty from under developed countries.
The recent report shows that due to downturn in oil prices and globalization (use a comma after a subordinate clause to form a compound sentence with the main clause. Subordinate clauses usually begin with subordinate conjunctions like "Due to...")has boosted the tourism sector has received a significant boost. (ensure you use modifiers very well as they add "spices" to your essay)
...some people hold an opinion,about tourism having a negative effect on their culture and traditions . (To obey the rule of parallel structure, the tenses must be the same on both side of the conjunction: "And") There are, therefore, people on the both sides of the argument eitherwho are neither for ornor against the motive.
para 2
Let'slet us (do not use contractions for academic essays) havetake a look at it'sits ("its" is used to show possession) negatives,.
some A lot of people in the society have raised ana (use the article "a" before a consonant ) concern over the diminishing of their native culture and traditions.
...to cater to tourist need.
para 3
...section of the society.
Tourism have has fueled infrastructureinfrastructural development...
Conclusion
...country, as, ...
Smith, at first I think that you need to write a proper title for your thread next time. It is because a proper title can help the reader to read and check your essay. You have to know that there are many types of argumentative essays. This essay can be IELTS, TOEFL, or college assignment, who knows? Therefore, you are suggested to write like this "(IELTS Task 2) In under developed countries, tourism has disadvantages and can be said the opposites" or this "(TOEFL) In under developed countries, tourism has disadvantages and can be said the opposites" , or many other types of argumentative essays that I have mentioned above.
However, I would like to give my feedback relating to your weaknesses with hope that you can strengthen it in the next practice. You can see them in the detailed descriptions below.
- As mentioned above by one of EssayForum members, contractions should not be used in academic essays. This contraction(s) can make your essay less formal, also it will badly damage the final grading of your essay.
- Avoid over-using cohesive devices one of these: Also, people to people contact not only benefited economically, also, made people more... Unfortunately, I have seen many of them in your essay. You need to remember that this problem can make your essay can't achieve more than 5.0. in coherence and cohesion part. This is because according to IELTS writing task 2 band descriptors is that if you "makes inadequate, inaccurate or over-use of cohesive devices" you will get 5.0.
- Sentence fragment is also dangerous, avoid making them will definitely enhance your grammatical range and accuracy score. For instance, "Although, there are some drawbacks." this sentence is incomplete and considered as fragmented because you only wrote 1 clause there. It actually needs 1 more clause because you have already write cohesive device (Although) in this essay.
There you have it Smith, I hope you can follow through the feedback given. Good luck in the next practice :)
