Prompt - Share your most incredible life experience.
Please feel free to say anything you was, everything can be helpful.
"My hectic birth serves as my golden starting point which signals my strengths at first breaths. I was born by the use of a vacuum suction. My skin was rather pale purple in color which showed I was lacking oxygen. A combination of these factors saw the doctors resolving that paralysis was imminent within the first few months. I fought dearly for my life and dodged paralysis. This earned me my name "Daniel" meaning "God has judged", and surely he had known why to save me from my pitfall. In a family of three children I was the second child, with an elder brother and younger sister. My father was a man who felt the need to control everyone whom he considered himself superior. I grew up in an environment where my mother, the main care giver, was repeatedly victimized. My brother would get caught up in the cross-fire trying to ward off an attack on my mother by my father. This resulted in my mother committing suicide when I was eight and marked the downfall of my family as my brother ran away from home and my sister was given up for adoption. I had to endure a childhood without a mother figure and it made me realize that I was tougher than I looked. Three years later, I already had a step mother. It all seemed better until 2007 when I lost my father due to kidney failure. It was the first funeral I had witnessed and it drew me back, way beyond my starting point
In July 2007, my step mother made me realize how fragile family is when she sent me to an orphanage located in the remote areas of the Matabeleland Province. A place were the native language is Ndebele, a language which I could hardly speak. I struggled with insecurities that came with being threatened and bullied by other children in the orphanage. I felt like I was alone in life, with no-one to relate too. Being alone to confront the challenges of the world can be inspiring or daunting, but the path we chose to take and our response in these tough moments, is what defines us. The orphanage was a place where struggle was the theme in everyone's life. Most of the children struggled to find identity from the thought of abandonment or loneliness; hence they needed to gain this identity from what they did rather than who they are. This thought filled everyone's mind with possibilities of no boundaries and authority therefore dodging classes, bulling, stealing and even drug abuse became the day to day activities of many individuals. Nevertheless I refused to become a refugee in my own life, to cope I constructed an invisible glass wall separating me from the influence and existence of everyone else.
The thought of finding a place in the world so that I can serve a much greater cause other than myself gave me great perseverance during these anguishing periods. I emerged in front of the group in that poor learning system and I received a scholarship in December 2009, to learn at a boarding school. A desire to achieve more embodied me and I managed to acquire good grades on my "O" level national examinations. In 2010, my colleagues and I former a group called "Boys for Gender Equality" which led to events influential in my life. That year I received a district prize after writing an article about gender based violence and later saw me reuniting with my brother.
All these events, weather achievement or misfortune, have all come with a package to supplement me with perseverance , goodwill, vision and purpose, that which I intend to use as I enter into the adult world. Now I am living with my brother, the only family I have left, life seems to have negotiated most of the sharp curves in my road to success."
I helped you with this essay by looking at each paragraph. Follow along in each paragraph as I suggest the changes that could be made.
1st paragraph: It seems like you are making a contrast. For example, "Although my birth was hectic, it was an indication of the strength I would develop throughout the course of my life.' The first sentence needs some work to explain exactly what you mean, especially when you state strengths at first breaths. When describing the diagnosis, change to: made the doctors diagnose. When you describe your name, change to: "how to save me from my pitfall".
I'm not sure if you want to make a new sentence or use a comma, but there has to be a clearer explanation of your brother running away from home. You don't have to write the sentence again. You can make small changes. Ex: This led to my family's downfall, as my sister's grades were poor and I lost focus. Another way to say this is: This led to my family's downfall. My sister's grades were poor and I lost focus. There are two ways that I give to help you decide how you want to write that sentence. I hope this helps!
When you describe your stepmother state it this way: I had a stepmother. The next sentence, you need a comma between 2007 and when. Clarify what you mean by drew me back; I am assuming you mean it kept you from moving forward beyond your starting point in life.
2nd paragraph: Change to: This is a place where the native language is Ndebele... Don't place a hyphen between no-one when you discuss feeling alone in life. I feel you want to speak in the past tense. When you discuss the path you chose to take, you need to change the rest of the sentence to past tense. "...our response in those tough moments is what defined us." Change to: "find their identity due to abandonment and loneliness". Place a semicolon between authority and therefore before you discuss dodging classes. You should end your sentence with "become a refugee in my own life". Start a new sentence with "In order to cope,"
3rd paragraph: Place a comma between myself and gave in this first sentence. How did you emerge? Do you mean you escaped or were afforded an opportunity to learn at a boarding school? When you discuss what happened in 2010, you want to change the sentence to: "colleagues and I formed" and other events in my life or to events that impacted my life. I would change the order of the last sentence to: "That year I reunited with my brother and received..."
4th paragraph: Change weather to whether. I would not discuss the qualities you have gained as a package. You could say they have helped you with perseverance, goodwill, etc. Also, delete "that" before which in this same sentence. You can put "that" after, "Now" to change the last sentence. Also, I know that you are trying to help connect the last sentence with the first sentence in your essay. Honestly, I don't think you need an asterisk at the beginning and end of your essay.
Your essay was well written. It seems like you are responding to the prompt. Where I go is very broad. Look at your essay question again to make sure there is nothing said after where I go. I hope these suggestions helped.
