updated world
You are not talking about an app. There is no " updated" world to speak of. However, there is a " constantly modernizing" world or "image conscious " world.
variety of reasons for focusing on their personal shapes.
This is not a discussion statement . Use 2 sentences. 1 reason for shape and 1 for size . Direct reasons create clear topic foundations for the body of paragraphs and proves you understood the discussion instructions.
to expand their social circle and receive respect from coworkers and authority.
This is underdeveloped reason. Consider adding a supporting reason along with an example to justify it. You need to make sure that each reason is fully explained to help boost the C+C score.
commercial area
Wrong phrase reference. You are talking about fashion in relation to your discussion. Yes, it has to do with sales, but it is not a common type of commerce. This is market specific.
However, there is still no ... by over dieting.
What is this? What made you decide to add this unrelated information in the end? you were doing quite well till you made this discussion change at the worstpossible point.