I believe that homework is essential to educate children.
Why? Give an overview of the 2 reasons that will support your ideas in the reasoning paragraphs. The writer's opinion is not as clear as it can be because of the missing thesis presentation. That is the 3rd sentence for this paragraph. It will help pull the paragraph discussion together for the benefit of your TA score.
The main problem with the essay is the disregard for the public opinion explanation in relation to your personal opinion. Where the words
are found in the presentation, the writer is expected to explain the public support for each opinion. Use publicly known information to explain why the public supports each opinion. Then present your own opinion and reasons as the 3rd reasoning paragraph. This is the format to be followed for discussion presentations such as the one you have chosen above.
Notice that you tried to explain your opinion in the concluding paragraph? Well, that is not considered a closing statement. You actually wrote an essay that will fail because it does not provide the correct concluding summary information in the last paragraph. This is an automatic failing score since you did not properly summarize the discussion points in the reverse summary paragraph.
If this were any other common essay type and not an IELTS Task 2 essay that comes with specific writing requirements, you might have passed the test. Due to the exam considerations though, you cannot pass the test using this presentation.