Problem and solution essay
Today, the growth of juvenile delinquency has been receiving a great deal of public attention. Although this problem can be attributed to a whole host of reasons, some feasible solutions can be taken to tackle that.
There are some common risk factors why juvenile delinquency is increasing. First, since the spread of television or entertainment programs makes it possible for individuals in the world to watch televisions, heavy exposure to televised violence becomes one of the causes of aggressive behavior, crime and violence in society. In fact, adolescent's psychology is not strong enough to recognize right and wrong, which makes television violence easily affects youngsters of all ages, of both genders, at all economic levels, and all levels of intelligence. Second, by growing in family violence, adolescents are more likely to engage in unlawful activities. This means that improper parental care has been linked to delinquency such as mothers who drink alcohol or take drugs during pregnancy cause their babies to grow up with learning disorders, which leads them to be juvenile criminals.
There are also some solutions to reverse this situation. First, in order to reduce the excessive exposure to questionable contents, the governments should just allow contents that are carefully censored before being posted. This means that juveniles will be able to keep away violence information and images as much as possible, which tackles this situation better. Second, if parents want their children get the right behavior to the society, they should have a positive attitude towards life and towards society. In fact, adolescents are educated about the consequences of breaking laws by their parents early, are more likely to respect laws of society, which behave more positively when face to violent cases or negative situations.
In conclusion, although this problem can be caused to a whole host of factors, some feasible solutions can be taken to reverse that. By considering all the pros and cons, the governments could make the situation better.
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There are actually 2 task 2 essay prompts related to the topic you have discussed in this essay. So I cannot be sure as to how to approach your presentation based on content requirements. Instead, I'll give you a general review that should cover both possible prompts. That way you will know how to correct your mistake, regardless of the actual discussion topic.
The prompt paraphrase needs to represent the topic, reason for the discussion, and a short form of your reasons and solutions. That is because there are a few direct questions being asked in the original prompt which require direct responses to help with the discussion outline in the body of paragraphs. Without the direct references, your essay will not score as well as it should in the TA section.
You are actually wasting word space by using introductory sentences in the reasoning paragraphs rather than topic sentences. It makes for unduly long paragraphs and does not work towards advancing your essay in a manner that would increase the scoring potential of the paragraph. Stop using ordinal presentations. That does not add to the cohesiveness of the essay. The examiner doesn't need to know that you know how to count, he needs to know that you can discuss the reasons in a connected manner (cohesiveness) The counts don't help you achieve that. You are not expected nor required to discuss in a numerical form. However, you are expected to present the reason for the discussion within the first sentence of the paragraph so that the examiner knows what the paragraph will be about. It will be better to use transition sentences instead of numerical references in the paragraphs. The transition sentence can help advance the content and also, increase the overall score due to its overall scoring applicability.
Your conclusion does not work well. There is no clear reverse paraphrase being presented. There is no summary of the reasons, nor do you properly list the suggested solutions. Your concluding paragraph is too short. It doesn't work for the purpose it was intended.