a choice of subjects for study
Some people think that all university students should study whatever they like. Other believe that they should only be allowed to study subjects that will be useful in the future, such as those related to science and technology.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Choosing subjects at the university continues to be a controversial topic. There are arguments on both sides, which I will discuss at this essay.
On the one hand, some people believe that choosing subjects following their preference has a certain benefits. Firstly, university student opting for preferred areas of study could get a greater insight into a range of facets such as economy, agriculture, music, science... This means they will have more opportunities for a well-paid job. For instance, the graduates with an understanding of various regions will easily become outstanding and surpass other candidates when applying for a position. Besides, nobody can really predict which areas of knowledge will be most useful to society in the future.
On the other hand, other people point out that university students should focus on subjects that will be helpful for them in the future , because of a vast majority of positive effects it brings to. By concentrating on severals particular subjects will help students gain an intimate knowledge, which will make them become a virtuoso at the aspect they choose in the future. Furthermore, it also help to save time and a great deal of money spending on minor subjects, particular in student with tight budget. Similarly, narrowing curriculum down offers students time to relieve burden of study, balance their life via engaging in social activities such as helping the old, becoming a volunteer,...
In conclusion, it seems to me that university students should not spend almost their time for studying certain things considered important in the future. Personally, these students should pursue what they are really into, simply because the more knowledge they accumulate, the more opportunity they have in the future career.
I suggest revising how you started your second paragraph. To remove redundancies and create a more comprehensible narrative, you can omit the first phrase "on the one hand" because it does not contribute anything substantial to the essay. When making claims, make sure that you back them up with details. You can, for instance, discuss more about why careers are flexible over time.
You should as well reevaluate your usage of demonstratives, punctuation, and other grammatical tools. You should omit or avoid usage of unnecessary articles. This will make your writing structure better.
Look into using better transition words in, for instance, your third paragraph. Here's a revision suggestion for this paragraph's last lines:
It financially helps students with tight budgets when the curriculum is narrowed down to only the most important subjects. This will relieve students of unnecessary study time. Therefore, this can result to them having more time for activities that are beneficial for their mental and social health.
Here's also a general rule of thumb in academic writing: if you feel as though you can divide a sentence into two lines, opt to do that than creating heavy paragraphs.
Hi @nhuxuan, here are some points in your essay that should be improved.
1. In the body paragraphs, you stated that students would gain better jobs access by both types of study paths because they provide the "greater insight" (POV1) "intimate knowledge" (POV2). I think these ideas are low-developed that they appear not much different although they belong to different study paths. In the conclusion, you marked the career opportunity again so I understand that was the main point that you want to focus in the essay. If so, you should deepen that idea in the body paragraphs.
2. You should be more careful about gramma and words choice. For instance,
- PARTICULARLY in student with tight budget;
- SEVERALs particular subjects, not to mention "several particular" seems unnatural;
- "By concentrating on severals ..." ---> sentence without subject. I think "by" should be removed;
- avoid widely-used verb such as point out, bring to.
Hope this helps and to see you come back with a better essay in the near future :-D