[WRITING TASK 1] IELTS Writing essays about where doctors should work.

This is my IELTS writing asignment for today. Please check and leave comments. Thank you so much.
Rubric:
Most medical doctors want to work in cities where they will make a lot of money.
Yet in many rural areas there are not enough doctors.

What are the reasons for this problem? How can it be solved?

My essay:
Nowadays, it can be seen clearly that a large number of medical doctors prefer to work in urban areas to earn money. Meanwhile, in many remote areas, there is a deficiency in the number of doctors. This issue happen due to many elements, and there are several measure could be taken to deal with it.

The proliferation of doctors' preference to work in cites is caused due to some reasons. To begin with, it is true that being a doctor in urban area gives doctors more advantages. There are more people in cities who worry about their health, which means there are more chances for doctors to earn money. For example, my sister works in a hospital in my city center, which is always crowded with patients. Second, it is more easy for doctors to attain their prestige in modern city than in rural area. The more prestigious the doctor is, the more money he or she gets.

This problems can be tackled by several measures. First, governments should arrange where doctors work. This can be done by providing optional financial aid to medical students, on condition that they will work in certain places arranged by governments. Another measure is giving doctors in rural areas more support. This can be done by raising their salary, as well as providing them and their family some special services, such as pension for their parents and lower tuition fee for their children.

In conclusion, the vast majority of doctors now want to work in cities due to several reasons, and measures need to be taken to cope with this problem.

Good work on the prompt restatement aspect. However, your opinion response is failing. Due to the direct question requirements of the original prompt, your response cannot be a mere restatement of the questions provided. Rather, you are expected to respond using simple response questions that clearly show your logical thinking abilities and simple reasoning skills. Each question presented therefore, needs to have a clear response sentence based on what you wish to discuss as the topic of each reasoning paragraph. One topic in response to each question, expanded in the body of paragraphs within one paragraph each as well.

[quote=penguinwannafly]The proliferation of doctors' preference to work in cites is caused due to some reasons.[/quote]


Use a topic sentence to anchor this opening statement. Clearly indicate your response to the question. Do not leave that for the second sentence. The examiner expects you to not have any use for word count fillers such as nonsensical sentences that do not move your response forward. Stop repeating the prompt instructions. These do not help increase your score, but could very well lower your score due to certain scoring elements that fail because of the non-answer sentences.

The reasoning paragraphs tend to be less developed because you present secondary reasons that do not directly relate to the first reason. These secondary reasons are mentioned, but not explained nor developed further in connection to the previous presentation.Hence creating under developed paragraph presentations.

Overall, you know what you have to present to score better. You just seem afraid to fully discuss your thoughts so you rely on empty sentences and under explained topics for your presentation., Avoid those presentation shortcomings and your score should improve.