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Doing things within groups or by individual - ielts essay



Ericidelia 2 / 3  
Nov 22, 2013   #1
Thanks for any comments and correction on grammar, words even the whole structure. I will appreciate your selfless help. if you are professional on ielts, better give me marks on that. Thanks you!

Team activities can teach children more life skills than activities that are done alone. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Breeding children with skills acquired after born is crucial for themselves to fight with future challenges. A school of thought claim that we should render children surrounded with others to do social activities, by that children can master more experiences than working individually. To me perspective, i outright foot my stance on group behaviors.

Initially, taking action together enable, to a large extent, our human-being to improve the communication skills. As we all know that communication is the lubricant among people. People who are kept isolated for long time may have the incidence of losing the ability of communication. However, working or having mutual activities can stimulate the desire of finding crossing thoughts, which must be expressed in languages, at the same time, therefore the competence of speaking skills will be inevitably enhanced.

Secondly, working on the same goal foster the spirit of cooperation. It is undeniable that humans are creatures who live and work together since long ago. Depending on that habit guarantee the incredible working force than any other separated living creatures. Furthermore, in this time and ages, the employer are much more concerned about the cooperation instead of the individual capability, because of the restriction and flaws of individuals. However, some people resist that inculcating children with the thoughts of handling puzzles alone can improve their courage and competence in front of the difficulties. Indeed, people can dig their potential power by adversity. But there are countless challenges accompany with their growth. It is unwise and silly to come over every single difficulty without the group help. Furthermore, children who learn to cooperate with others always have better ideas, as the origins and thoughts for a single person will always meet their bottlenecks.

In conclusion, the two important life lessons, communication and cooperation is the building blocks for success, which children can hardly or never can grab by struggling on themselves

dumi 1 / 6793  
Nov 22, 2013   #2
BreedingRaising children with skills acquired after born is crucial for themselves to fight with future challenges.

This sentence is poorly constructed and it is too crowded with so many words and improper phrases. You try to use too many key words, but what is more important is to use the appropriate words to deliver your idea very clearly to the reader. It does not happen here. Use direct speech and write simple, yet interesting sentences.

To meIn my perspective, i outright foot my stance on group behaviors.

... Be careful of using words that you are not sure of their usage. I see this problem throughout your essay.


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