Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2

The Earth needs both governments and individuals to cooperate for a positive change


maitouyen123 1 / -  
Jan 26, 2017   #1
Hi ! I am practising ielts . Please give me correct scoring if you can
The prompt says :
Scientists and the news media are presenting ever more evidence of climate change. Governments cannot be expected to solve this problem. It is the responsibility of individual to change their life style to prevent further damage . What are your views?

proposals for the solution of the climate change problem



Solutions of climate change have become a source of controversy all over the world. This raises a certain issue as to whether this problem depends on individual's life style and governments have no responsibility at all. On the balance, it is my position that governments and individuals are simultaneously liable for one

First of it , the results of industry , which have produced carbon dioxide to cause greenhouse can only be solved and controlled by governments . They know how to diminish pollution such as limiting gas and fuel consumption, investing money to grow plants, trees. Moreover, governments also should enforce policies and punish the manufactories which intend to do illegally . For example , Paris agreement signed by UNFCCC members is dealing with greenhouse gas emission .

Nevertheless , Not only do governments have responsibility for this problem, but also individuals must be the part of this one , if ones want to live in the clear and less polluted Earth . Instead of caring about inappropriate stuffs , ones should research how to improve our environment regarding realistic actions by themselves such as do not throw the trash away after using those , which can be recycled because the more less unconscious we are , the more polluted the earth becomes. As individuals, with environmental knowledge , ones ought to encourage the others to that individuals should use less electricity , use public transportation or by walking cycling ,...

To conclude ,I think if both governments and individuals understand how The Earth needs them , the environment will be saved .

Holt - / 7,528 2001  
Jan 26, 2017   #2
Hi Mai, thanks for posting the complete prompt and revised essay on your part. Having reviewed your work in reference to the prompt, I have to say that you cannot score higher than a 5 for this particular task. What is preventing you from getting a higher score in this essay are the problems that exist within it. For starters, you were quite careless when it came to using punctuation marks. You neglected to place a period at the end of sentences and, even more concerning, is that you used a comma and ellipses to close the essay. That is never done in this instance as there is no room for contemplative comments in a discussion essay. The use of ellipses makes it seem like there is more a conversation coming when in actuality, that is the end of the essay. It misleads the reader and causes the examiner to feel stress at the end because there was no additional information forthcoming.

Next, there is a lack of pertinent information presentation in the essay. The clear evidence of this can be found in the second paragraph where you begin to discuss the Paris Climate Agreement towards the end of the essay. You present the name of the agreement but then fail to explain its relevance and importance to the issue of climate change. Without the proper development of your last sentence line, the information you gave only serves to confuse the examiner. Keep in mind that you have to assume that the examiner is unfamiliar with your reasons and therefore, requires some sort of better developed discussion of it in the essay.

Your concluding statement is too short to be considered a valid conclusion. You must improve that presentation because the concluding statement is required to have at least 3 informative sentences within it before it can be considered as a proper concluding statement.


Home / Writing Feedback / The Earth needs both governments and individuals to cooperate for a positive change