(IELTS) Some educationalists think that international exchange visit will benefit teenagers

Some educationalists think that international exchange visit will benefit teenagers at the school.

To what extent do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

Some educationalists believe that teenagers will get benefits from taking part in international exchange visit. Even though there are some drawbacks when moving abroad in exchanging programs, the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

On the one hand, traveling and staying in other countries will bring some drawbacks when the youth have an exchange visit. There are culture shocks that might affect the quality of the journey if the exchange nation has so different and strange rules in the regular activities or costumes. Weather can also be a problem for those who live in a tropical area to a cooler place.

However, there are more benefits that teenagers can get when attending an exchange visit. One advantage is the ability to have self-development that is necessary for the youth. When teenagers live far from their home country and meet new people in a different environment, they will have a chance to develop their interpersonal skills, problem-solving skills and independent opinions. Furthermore, gaining new knowledge and understanding the culture of another nation is a plus that they cannot learn and really know in their schools. To encourage the youth to take part in these exchange visits, there are many organizations running for this purpose such as AFS Intercultural Programs and AIESEC that focus on developing necessary skills and experiences.

In conclusion, despite some disadvantages when teenagers attend international exchange visits, it is still a good chance for them to develop important skills which are needful for their future and to learn new things. Governments should support these kind of learning to bring back the best results in education.

In the prompt paraphrase, you failed to 2 things. These are:
- To fully paraphrase the given discussion, without using keywords from the original. Using original words in your version is a cut and paste error.
- You did not give an extent response to the question posed.

A more appropriate paraphrase + response would have been:

Academics consider semesters abroad programs to be favorable to the learning of young adults. When certain reasons are considered, it would appear that the advantages of this study swap experience greatly cancels out its disadvantages. This essay will explain two of these reasons.

As you can see, I totally changed the original reference words while still keeping within the original presentation topic, reason, and response requirement. Remember that when you are asked "To what extent", you need to deliver a measured response such as the one I wrote above. Do not forget that you should also present a minimum of 3 sentences in the paragraphs. That is the requirement for the minimum sentence length.

The first reasoning paragraph is not well developed. It lacks supporting information. It lacks in clarity and conciseness. You need to provide a full development of the discussion based on supporting reasons and examples. The second reason was so under represented that it should not have been included in the paragraph anymore.

You deviated from the discussion topic in the second reasoning paragraph. You were not asked to include a reference to any organizations and yet, that is exactly what you did. Do not include information that was not in the original discussion presentation. If it is not in the original prompt and instruction, do not include it. Prompt deviations will cost you point deductions.

Your concluding paragraph is incorrect. It must only represent 3-5 sentences covering:
- A new prompt restatement
- A repetition of your opinion
- A summary of your reasons
- A closing sentence

What you did was a continued discussion, which will result in an open ended instead of concluded essay. So the essay will not be properly formatted in terms of concluding information. This will add to the TA points deductions in your final score.

Hi,

In overall, this is a good piece of writing but not a good essay to me personally.

Grammar control should be your strength for this stage since I only see some minor "slips", such as "the youth have" (uncoutable), "gaining new knowledge and understanding the culture of another nation is" (plural). However, you seemed to list ideas rather than building an argument. The later is the purpose of Cambridge designing Task 2 in IELTS academic writing. Thus, you should intensively work on it by further googling, perhaps. Also, unlike Vietnamese's, English style is more likely going for addressing upheld perspectives before the opposed counterparts. So, you can consider exchanging the positions of your bodu paragraphs.

Best,
Tutela

@Holt
Thank Mary for checking and showing me my mistakes in this essay. I will rewrite my essay to fix them.

@TQB
Thank you for your help.