Electrical source in Germany and New Zealand

A comparison about electrical source in Germany and New Zealand in 1980 and 2010 is represented by using pie charts and measured by units. Overall, Germany made coal as their raw material in both years, while New Zealand used coal as many as natural gas in 1980, however in 2010 Nuclear placed as the primary resources for producing spark. In addition, both had an upward trend in the total of units' use.

It is clear that in that two years, most of electrical sources in New Zealand used Coal, and in 2010, it was almost tripled at 56 in 1980. Furthermore, there was a tremendous downward in natural gas in the second year that become fifteen times smaller than in 1980 at 2. Another decreasing change was depicted by petroleum into about one-fifth from the previous year. However, it can be seen that a moderate positive change was shown by hydro from 30 to 46.

While New Zealand had no Nuclear sources, Germany had it. Moreover, it became the largest increasing value in that country, about 7 times larger than before at 20. While inartificial gas and coal hit the top of electrical sources in 1980, Nuclear In 2010 became the most enormous among all. In contrast, both years used water as the fewest resource for generating electric that stood at 7 and went down into 2 after twenty years. While coal had the similar amount at 28 in that two years, a slight increase was represented by fuel from 22 to 27.

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Faiz, I think that your paragraphing was fine. I do really like the way you create those paragraphs and describe the information clearly there. You need to remember that CLARITY is the most important aspect that you should improve in your writing. Yet, it is unfortunate that some cohesive devices were inaccurate. Placing "however" in the middle of a sentence is inappropriate for an academic writing. If you want to put "however" in that place, semicolon is the most appropriate punctuation rather than comma.

Additionally, I think that you need to differentiate between a sentence that contains an overview and a sentence that is not. To illustrate, an overview should be addressed by putting a phrase that indicates a particular sentence is an overview sentence of your essay. The phrase like "Overall, it can be seen that, it is clear that" that you have written was inappropriate. Try to use one of them ONLY in a single sentence. Unfortunately, you wrote them in three sentences. I suggest you need to remember that "no clear overview" is one of the criteria of band 5 for task achievement.

Hope this helps :)