Emerson Supplemental Essay, title your life. NEED INPUT & EDITING

So the supplemental essay for emerson which I'm applying to is, "Much of the work that students do at Emerson College is a form of storytelling. If you were to write the story of your life until now, what would you title it and why? Please be brief (100-200 words)."

I wrote two different versions, I need help as to which you think is better/more creative. The first one is pretty standard, the second is in a story form 3rd person, I'm not sure if they would like it or not? I thought it might be creative but I don't know. Please help thank you!!

First one: If I were to write the story of my life, I'd title it, "Time: The Story of How I Found It". Every week someone asks me, "How do you find the time??". This is because I managed to play varsity soccer, work two jobs, get all of my school homework done, spend time with friends and family, finish a variety of tv shows, books, and movies (I do love a good story), study for the SAT's, and get all of my college applications done in three months. I'd love to say that I pride myself on my extraordinary multitasking capabilities, but that would be a lie. It's time management. Time management and I have grown considerably close these past few years (first name basis and everything!). I've really learned to value every hour of every day. I believe it will help immensely in college, getting all my work done as soon as possible, never waiting until the last minute, and always saving time to relax and spend time with friends. Learning to spend my time efficiently has helped prepare me for whatever these next four years throw my way, (the ten extra arms and legs I have won't hurt either).

2nd one: "Mature"

Emily was sinking through an hourglass. Her feet being pulled into a dense abrasive sand. The air around her thinned. Encumbered by a glass reality, she sank. She could distinguish voices below her, somewhere through the sandy void in which she was about to fall. The voices sounded older. Above her, she heard laughing; young voices. Down she went. Everything went dark until she was spit out onto warm pillowy sand. Her mother was there, as well as other adults she was close with. Surrounded by elders, she realized something. She was pulled down by time, forced to mature before any of her friends, the young voices she heard on the other side. Living with her brother, Matthew, and his debilitating illness, made her see that growing up early was just fate for her and it's a vital part of who she is. Living with her brother has taught her the value of hard work, patience, and acceptance of everyone. Though the journey through the "sands of time" was at times unpleasant, she would never trade what it has taught her for anything. In an ironic way 'sinking down' had her rising up to a new level of maturity.

Emily, I sincerely feel that you should use the second version of your essay for the application. It is exactly what the prompt is asking for. However, I would change the point of view to first person so that you can add more emotion and a sense of personalized story telling. By using the first person POV, you allow yourself the freedom to get as creative and as imaginative as you wish to be in telling your story. Try to include a simple description of your mother to add another dimension to the story. Maybe a short indication of what your relationship with her is like. Create a launching point before you say that you were forced to mature before your friends and relatives. The maturing is the result of a previous catalyst. Was it the illness of your brother? If so, then mention your brother before your sense of maturity. You are a very imaginative writer and it has helped you develop a very involving and informative essay response. Remember, my vote is for the second version of the essay. Good luck!

Thank you so much for the response, I will change it to the first person, but about the stuff you said to add, my essay is already at the max number of words, what do I take out because it all seems too important to leave out. Thanks,

-Emily

You have to revise the whole essay in order to accomplish what I suggest. Here is a 158 or so word sample of how I would revise this paper, I hope it helps you with your revision:

My exhaustion left me feeling like I was sinking into an hourglass as I drifted off to sleep. My feet were being absorbed by the abrasive sand. Air thinning around me, I was losing consciousness as the voices of those important to me filled my head. My mother's voice filled with loving care and advice, my elders telling me that I would need to mature soon, then the image of my brother Matthew. His debilitating illness was all too real in this dream. He needed my help. I need to be mature and patient with him. I needed to accept that my role in the family had changed to one of responsibility for my mother and brother. The dream was becoming more unpleasant for me. I learned more about myself through my dream, I woke, knowing that I now had a clearer understanding of who I am and the maturity to deal with my life challenges.

ahh thank you so much, that helps a lot. I think I'll start fresh but still incorporate the hourglass in some way. Thanks for all the help,

Emily