Employers should be concerned about how efficient the employees work, rather than by their clothing

The Dress code at work issue

Topic: Some people think that employers should not care about the way their employees dress because what matters is the quality of their work To what extent do you agree or disagree

Many people hold the view that the employers should be concerned about how efficient the employees work, rather than by their clothing. While I think dress play an important role in workplace, I still believe that employees should only be judge by the quality of their work.

It is true that dress is a crucial factor to create an efficient work environment. To begin with, formal clothes or uniforms make the setting more disciplined. Such clothing separates their mind from entertainment or chores at home. Therefore, the workers will maintain their focus on work more than others. For example, in many gorvernment company, uniforms are chosen for staffs to enhance their discipline and concentration. Another reason worth mentioning is that this kind of clothes can push employees' confidence. In fact, wearing formal uniforms, they feel more like a successful person in a professional atmosphere. For instance, shirt will push dynamic and confidence of the workes rather than the disoder clothes.

Nevertheless, I would argue that employees should appreciate their employees by their quality of work, not by their clothes. The reason is that these clothes can not reflect all about how hard the employees try in their work. Moreover, high quality is the most important thing to gain. A good employers never judge their staff by how they dress. For example, some particular jobs like creative designers who have to spend long time with the computers need comfortable clothes. However, they still control themselves successfully to complete tasks without missing deadline.

In conclusion, despite acknowledging that wearing right clothing plays an significant role in workplace, I am of the opinion that employees should be assessed by their abilities.

Since you changed the prompt discussion topic and discussion instructions in your paraphrase. The automatic score for this essay will be, as per TA requirements, a 1. Your answer is not related to the task provided. To illustrate:

OP: To what extent do you agree or disagree
YP: I still believe that employees should only be judge by the quality of their work.

So you changed the original topic:
Some people think that employers should not care about the way their employees dress,

Which is based on the reason: what matters is the quality of their work

Your topic became: employers should be concerned about how efficient the employees work, rather than by their clothing
Based on the reason: I think dress play an important role in workplace

The outline above clearly shows you where you went wrong with your prompt paraphrase, which also affected the format of your presentation and caused you to present an improper discussion format in the essay. As such, I cannot continue to review your other errors. You already made a mistake with the discussion of the topic so you will not be able to score higher than a 1 with your presentation. Once you make a mistake with deciphering the discussion topic and response format, you make a failing score error in your presentation.

You 're probably beside the points, so you should prove your viewpoint rather than explain the disadvantages and advantages of dressing in offices. Moreover, your topic sentences is neither clearly enough to state your point nor relevant to the question.

" While I think dress ...". You should have use "Although" not "While".
"how efficient the employees work". Use "efficiently" instead of "efficient"
"push dynamic and confidence. There is no such phrase. The right phrase is "boost energy and confidence". "dynamic" only means energetic when they are adj

You should also check your spelling mistakes before submitting both in here and in real exam. (A good employers)