IELTS TASK 1: Employment Rates of four Countries (bar graph)

Hi everyone! Please help me to improve this essay!
In this writing, I followed the 4-paragraph format: 1 Intro + 1 Overview + 2 Body
Can anyone please estimate the band score and also possibly provide some phrases that I can use to improve the writing?

Thank you.

occupation rates of men and women

The graph below shows the employment rate of each gender in four different countries in 2002.
Word Count: 202

The bar graph gives information about the occupation rates of men and women in 4 countries - South Africa, Chile, Finland, and Norway. The statistics dated in 2002. Units were measured in percentages.

Overall, all numbers of men workers were more than of women. Norway had the biggest combined workforce. Also, in Finland and Norway, the gender gaps were minimal. In contrast were the other two countries; the differences in employment rates between the genders were much greater, whereas the greatest occurred in Chile.

Looking at Norway, this country had the highest employment figures among all countries, reaching high 70% to 80% for both men and women. Having a similar pattern, the ratio of Finland workers of men to women were relatively evenly distributed (just under 70% and around 65% respectively). Both countries had the gender gap differences well under 10%.

Chile's gender balance was the most disproportioned. The number of Chilean men employed were as high as in Finland (just under 70%); however, women workers in this country were only half as much. Coming to South Africa, only 50% of all the men had occupations, which was the lowest statistic for male worker, and less than 40% of the women were employed.

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As you have indicated that you are using a format specific to 2 other competitor websites, you must have your essay checked there instead of here at EF. I teach the students based on my own method, which has proven highly successful for the exam takers at this forum. I will also be refraining from giving you advice as a contributor since you will not be able to learn how to write properly due to the number of teachers you are using. You will only end up confusing yourself if you try to combine all the formats being taught. You will end up frustrated and unable to decide on a proper essay writing approach. I dislike confusing any student so I will not be a party to your confusion from this point on.

You should only have one teacher so that you can develop a proper writing style. I will remove myself from that equation. However, you are welcome to keep posting at this forum so you can receive comments from other student users. It is only because you are asking me to review and scoring your work based on other people's teaching styles that I cannot be of help to you. You should approach those teachers for scoring and advice instead.

Dear @Holt, I'm deeply sorry for saying what I should have not. It's my fault that I was not determined in choosing a writing style. From now on, I wish to follow your style and of the students here. Thank you so much for all the valued comments you gave to me, and I sincerely wish to continue receiving your advice in further posts.

Best regards,
jhhh11

Hi, I was instructed by the powers that be at this forum to give you a free second advice because of your kind words and decision. So, here I am, reviewing your work again. I won't delve into the paragraph stuff anymore as I have already pointed that out to you. I'll focus on something else instead for your review.

Let me explain to you why the 3 paragraph format works better. It all relates to the conciseness and coherence of your paragraph. In the overview, the information should create an imaginable picture of the chart. So, when you indicate the summarized representation of the information, the reader ends the paragraph knowing how the data report is going to be presented. The trending statement should only be presented to indicate the most obvious information in the chart that will not fit anywhere else in the presentation. That is because the trend is not as analyzed in content as the remaining 2 paragraphs. In this presentation, the clear trending statement is:

Overall, all numbers of men workers were more than of women with Finland and Norway having the least gender gaps.

That last sentence works as the transition from paragraph 1 to paragraph 2. The next paragraph should start with a topic sentence that leads into an informative data presentation. So the topic sentence, which will connect paragraph 1 and 2 is:

Norway had the biggest combined workforce

Then all of the information regarding Norway digits should have been included in that paragraph. That will create a clear information presentation and a coherent paragraph as the information is connected to one another, leading into the next discussion topic. It shows a proper analytical presentation that indicates figures that can be turned into a mental picture, this allowing the reader a better understanding of the data presented.

I am really uncomfortable with you writing more than 190 words. Mostly because you have a good analytical skill, but your presentation needs work. More editing to create a cohesive presentation, more grammar review so you can spot the simple grammar errors. You need at least 5 minutes to try to perfect your presentation. Writing over 200 words could prevent you from doing that within 20 minutes.

Hello, i'm just a newbie to Ielts, and I have learnt a lot when reading your essay and the feedbacks from @Holt also make me understanding lots of thing.

Hope you achieve many success in the future.