Some people feel that entertainers (e.g film starts, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money.
Do you agree or disagree?
Which other types of jobs should be highly paid.
It is commonly believed that artists, such as movie stars, sports players and pop musicians are given enormous amount of money for jobs that they do. As such, I would say that it is true to a certain degree, although I think other aspects, such as tight schedule and hard work, should be taken into account. Moreover, another occupation, a teacher for example, should be considered to get highly paid due to holding hard task to educate people.
Highly paid for entertainers should be admitted to some extent, in which their salaries given are too much than any other jobs. Taking Indonesia as an example, artists who become cast in a Indonesian movie that they are featured in is given approximately 150-200 millions rupiah per movie. This is absolutely not fair if it compares with other jobs, such as a teacher who only gets 4 million rupiah in average each month. By this I mean, It only makes the disparity of earnings amongst types of jobs wider.
However, much more consideration should be paid if people want to judge artist-related wages because many of them merely see based on entertainers' hedonistic life, not by their daily endeavors. In fact, artists have a tight schedule from morning until midnight where they should work overtime and only get tiny hours for sleep. This is primary reason why people should be wiser when assessing artists' earnings.
On the other hand, I would argue that teacher should also be given highly paid due to some reasons. Firstly, they task to educate young generation is not easy because, I believe, when it comes to educating people, it should become an ultimate goal as the future of our planet is in young generation. Secondly, I firmly believe if the wages of teachers are lifted, it will lead to the improvement in the quality of education itself. Thus, it is important that teachers should be highly paid.
In brief, Although to a certain degree I agree that entertainers are too much paid, but people should be thoughtful when judging regarding to this matter owing to endeavors the artists do. Subsequently, I am convinced that teacher should be well-paid due to playing significant role to educate people.
hi, these are my thought towards your essay
should be considered to get highly paid
[ i think it would be better if you write : to get high payment or to be paid highly ]
Highly paid for entertainers should be ...
[high payment]
Taking Indonesia as an example, artists who become cast in an Indonesian movie that they are featured inis givenget paid approximately 150-200 ...
[artists who have a role in an Indonesian movie]
Firstly, theytheir task is to educate young generation and it is not easy because, (...) an ultimate goal as the future of our planetour planet's future is in young generation's hand .
thanks, and good luck
Amril, aside from grammatical reviews that had already been delivered by others, I would like to focus on your content instead. I can see that you were struggling to convince the reader your "unclear" position. If you take a closer look on your statement here "As such, I would say that it is true to a certain degree , although I think other aspects, such as tight schedule and hard work, should be taken into account.". It is true that you "agree" implicitly, but you did negate your "agreement" by considering some aspects. My suggestion is that you need to present a relevant or clear position towards the prompt. If the prompt asks you whether agree or disagree, you are suggested to come up with a clear answer and you are not suggested to negate your own statement as like what you have written above. This can drag your down to 6 or even worse (5).
Also, when you read sample answers, most of them only have 4 paragraphs. Even, I have never seen any sample answers of band 6 or above that has more than 4 paragraphs for a single essay. Writing more than 4 paragraphs would not only broaden the views but it might broaden the focus as well. It might possible to go off topic. This is the thing that you should avoid later on in the next practice. I think that your previous or latest writing is still better than this one.
Hope this helps mate! :)
