IELTS Task 2 - Environment (Agree/Disagree) - Electric cars vs fossil fuel burning cars

Hi everyone, I am aiming for band 7+ in writing, so I have practiced a few topics and uploaded to this forum, thanks so much for your time and assistance!

All cars that burn fossil fuels should be banned and electric cars should replace them.
Do you agree or disagree?

There is an opinion that primarily vehicles powered by nonrenewable fuel sources, namely petroleum and diesel oil, should be replaced by electric cars. Given that electric cars are more environmentally-friendly and that they can tackle the pollution issue, I strongly agree with this statement.

Instead of driving the traditional fuel automobiles, we can pose less harm to the environment by driving electric cars. In other words, this will emit less chemical gas which is pernicious to the Ozone Layer and contributes to global warming. Many people have been suffering from climate change and its knock-on effects, such as drought and famine. Although driving automobiles with renewable energy sources like electric cars is not a silver bullet to the deteriorating climate problem, it is irrefutable that it can help relieve the situation, at least to a certain extent.

On the other hand, restraining traditional cars can curb air pollution issues. The burning of fossil fuels in these cars produces detrimental chemicals which are the culprit of air pollution in many cities. The respiratory system of humans can be seriously harmed by these air pollutants, deterring some people from staying in metropolises. This is exemplified by the growing number of inhabitants in big cities, especially for those with respiratory problems such as asthma, choosing to migrate to the outskirts in recent decades.

In conclusion, the inhibition of fossil-fuel-burning cars can be conducive to both the environment and our health. If governments determined to limit the usage of all these cars and encourage driving electric cars, the world would be a better place to live in.

Do not aim too highly in terms of scoring at this point. You have a long way to go before reaching the 7 band score. You did a good job of restating the discussion topic and the reason for the presentation. However, you presented an extent response when a simple, moderate response was required. All you had to say was whether you agree or disagree with the presentation. No measured response is required always use the proper response format for the essay, based on the given question so that your opinion will be appropriately presented to the examiner.

Your supporting paragraph is not strong enough. You are only presenting reasons, but you are not discussing or developing your line of thought. The paragraph needs to be balanced in terms of a single topic, supporting points, and a clear example to support your explanation. It is not the number of reasons that are scored but rather, the clarity of your opinion presentation. You only need 2 supporting discussion points in this essay. One for each paragraph.

There is no need to present the alternate point of view discussion because you were not instructed to do that in the prompt. When you present an opinion that is not required, the tendency of the examiner will be to mark down your essay because you are blurring the discussion and removing the strength of your support for your chosen opinion. Therefore, the body of paragraphs removes the clarity of your opinion, which will affect your TA score in the end. So there is no "on the other hand" discussion presentation. Only presentations, in 2 paragraphs, using 2 supporting reasons, that offer the strength of your opinion through a clear and fully developed explanation.

Good work on summarizing the topic presentation and reasons. Giving a closing opinion helped tie the paragraph together. However, the problem still remains in terms of the discussion paragraph sections.