My IELTS essay on Environment & Animals in the verge of extinction

Question:
Many animals are becoming extinct due to human activities on land and in the sea.

What are the reasons and solutions?

Many animals both on land and in the sea are being brought to the verge of extinction due to human activities. In this essay, I will discuss various reasons behind this trend, and present some solutions.

There are human factors instigating the increasing extinction of animals on land and in the sea. On the one hand, the natural habitat of many terrestrial animals has been lost due to deforestation, a trend that leaves these species with no place to live, feed, or reproduce, indirectly resulting in their death. Moreover, land animals are vulnerable to rampant hunting, which is to blame for the deaths of many species. On the other hand, fish exploitation is threatening marine life. Humans are overfishing to an extent that gives fish inadequate time to reproduce, thus significantly reducing the population in an area. Furthermore, human-induced disasters, particularly oil spills, have polluted huge areas in the ocean, causing the deaths of thousands of species.

In order to tackle this problem, the responsibilities lay on the government. For terrestrial animals, measures that focus on high-rise buildings in urban planning can accommodate a large number of people, removing the need for deforestation to build residential areas. Besides, when a life sentence for poaching comes into practice, it can act as a strong deterrent to poachers, preventing their mass killing of animals. For marine lives, the government can fund fishers to help them integrate aquaculture into their work so as to reduce exploiting ocean fish. In addition, to address human-induced catastrophes, the government should implement more regulations on operation to lower the risks of human-caused errors.

In conclusion, the increasing extinction of many animals on land and in the sea is due to numerous human activities. To halt this trend, the government must take action.

295 words.

The first paragraph will receive a failing TA score because it is using a majority of cut and paste / memorized words and references from the original. There is evidence of little developed English vocabulary in relation to synonym usage in the presentation. 2 sections of scoring are affected: TA and LR.

The use of "on the one hand" and "on the other hand" is out of place in the second paragraph. These are not the proper transition phrases to use. The error shows a lack of proper sentence and paragraph development skill in relation to C + C scoring needs.

In the solutions paragraph, the third proposal is not as equally developed as the first two. This is the reason that will pull down the score for the C + C even further. All examples must be properly explained and developed. 2 solution presentations are always the best way to go when multiple solutioms are required as these allow for cohesive and coherent explanation development.