The environment is damaged by humans activities. The governments and individuals should act together

WRITING TASK 2 - IELTS: Environmental problems

Hello everybody. I am a newbie and I have just known this website when browsing on the Internet about the platforms to effectively practice writing. I am trying intensely hard to prepare for my first Ielts Exam in the next few months. So could you please take a little time to read and give me some recommendations on my below essay? If possible could you leave a comment which band this essay can get?

Topic: Explain some of the ways in which humans are damaging the environment. What can governments do to address these problems? What can individual people do?

Answer:
Nowadays, the problem of the environment being damaged has been receiving a great deal of public attention. While this is caused by humans in various ways, there are a bunch of solutions that the governments and individuals should take into account to deal with this issue.

It is true that humans are damaging the environment more and more today. First, since the demand of convenience rises, people are more likely to choose plastic products for plenty of purposes, such as food containers or other disposable plastic products. In fact, the huge number of plastics are being discharged into the environment, which takes thousand years to completely decompose. Second, due to the industrial activities and a growing number of means of transportation in recent years, it is obvious that there is a massive amount of carbon emission to the environment. This means that the more carbon being released into the environment, the heavier the global warming will become.

Nevertheless, there are a variety of solutions that governments and individuals should consider to protect the environment. First, in order to encourage people to use environmentally friendly products, the governments could organize the green strategies on the regular basis. For example, those campaigns can emphasize the detrimental impacts of plastics on the environment and propose green alternatives, such as paper bags, which is not only beneficial to the environment but also good for public health. Second, individuals can proactively contribute to the environmental protection by getting familier with public transportation. This habit change can help to significantly reduce carbon emission, which lowers the speed of environmental degradation.

In conclusion, it can not denied that the environment is damaged by humans activities. However, I strongly believe that if the governments and individuals together exert themselves, the environment could be possibly saved.

I believe that this is a well written essay but, it suffers from under developed paragraph presentations. You have to remember that even though you clearly restated the prompt and offered a proper outline based on the discussion instruction requirements, if you do not clearly explain yourself in the reasoning paragraphs, you will lose points in the C&C section.

While you would have scored better in the TA section by offering direct responses to the two questions posed, that is not to say that you did not approach the essay format in the proper manner. The format you chose to use in response to the prompt is acceptable. The problem is that your paragraphs do not have balanced discussions.

In the second paragraph, you used a sentence filler. The first sentence in the paragraph does not help move the essay forward in terms of content. You do not need to use word fillers to meet the word count. You should meet the word count through a properly developed explanation. In this paragraph, you presented a good topic sentence, but did not support it with a related example and supporting explanation for the sample. Instead, you offered a second discussion topic which did help your essay presentation because you did not manage to again, use proper examples and supporting data to support it. Without the example and supporting data, the examiner will score you down in the C&C and TA sections based on under developed paragraph presentations. The same problem exists in your third paragraph. The presentation of the second solution was under represented.

For these types of questions, you will do well to use 2 related topics that can share a related example and supporting information. You do not need to present 2 topic sentences, just related topics in one sentence. For example, in the causes paragraph, you could have said:

People have become increasingly dependent on the use of plastic products for both consumer and industrial uses. Everything from food containers to water bottles are made from disposable plastic products, which are discharged into the environment. The manufacture of these products also creates air and water pollution. These 2 activities have a direct impact on the carbon emissions in our environment, causing a combined global warming effect.

By using related discussion topics in a single paragraph, you will be able to use the same or 2 different examples which can help you better explain your point and, in the process, use a dual supporting explanation to justify the relationship of the 2 topics when representing the prompt question. The same format could have been used for the third paragraph also.

Look, this is your first essay, you are not yet familiar with the response writing methods. It would be unfair to judge you on your first writing task. I do not score students immediately, based on their first essay submission. I use this to gauge your writing abilities and English comprehension skills instead. I have to say, your writing skills are okay and your comprehension skills as good. It is just your response presentation that needs work. With any luck, you will be able to present me with improvements in your next essay. I'll score you then.