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Equality in workplace for women

Way 2 / 2  
Mar 26, 2012   #1
This is an IELTS essay. Please suggest some corrections and alternative sentence structure which can help me to score Band 7 or higher. Thank you.
Now more and more workplaces are hiring an equal number of women and men.
Do you think it is a positive and negative development?

It appears nowadays that women are recruited as many as men for job. Many people, especially the feminists, totally support this phenomenon and illustrate plenty of benefit for our society brought by it. Meanwhile others firmly insist that women are making troubles for men in workplaces. However, I find myself in complete agreement with the former one.

It's certainly true that there are some obvious bad results triggered by employing more women than past. It's a case in point that children from nuclear families are raised up by grandparents, for their parents are busy working. Being spoiled, the kids have no idea about caring for others, which is worse for them to get along with each other. Besides, taking care of baby and doing housework is easier than some physical work, which is beyond women's capability.

On the contrary, another point to be considered is that as many women are admitted to job, the job will be accomplished efficiently. Politicians regard it as a way to show the equality women own as their counterparts. Career women are more confident and ambitious than housewives. There are some chairwomen attracting public attention, and these independent women for the new Era are examples to women, even some men in society today. Furthermore working dads and moms provide their families with better finance in terms of increasing pressure from our society. In addition, as a consequence of men and women working together, their characteristics (men's persistence and women's patience) constitute strong workforce.

To sum up, even though recruiting more women means losing housewives and it has some drawbacks, from my own perspective, it's a rational trend in regard to satisfying the economy development.
sharadarige 15 / 25  
Mar 27, 2012   #2
Nice points but should have contructed in a much better manner.
GOOD luck. it's a good topic and you can elaborate it by taking it completly on side
OP Way 2 / 2  
Mar 30, 2012   #3

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