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IELTS: How to promote equality of opportunity for men and women in the workplace?

ptnlytqnho 4 / 8 2  
Aug 19, 2018   #1
Hello everyone. I'm a beginer. My target is 6.5. Please help me check my writing. Thanks a lot.

In spite of the many advances women have made in education and employment, they continue to be at a disadvantage when it comes to pay and promotion. In your view, what should be done to promote equality of opportunity for men and women in the workplace?

gender inequality problem

Thanks to the development in education and employment, there is now greater equality between men and women. However, women still tend to earn less and lack of promotion in their occupation. In my viewpoint, it is vital to take action constructively in order to gain opportunity equally for both two genders.

One feasible approach would be for government to force employers to take on the same numbers of men and women, give them equivalent workloads and pay them the same salaries. By this way, women and men will have equality in not only salary but also promotion. This solution would take a long time to success. Nevertheless, the problem is that government could have trouble in taking resources to do statistics.

To further encourage equality, governments should take the lead in ensuring that the salary companies pay based on employer's productivity. That means the important factor is the ability of employers, not the gender they are. If they work hard and bring income to their company, they will earn much money and also have chances to get a higher position. This would establish gender equality as a norm of society and set a good example for private companies. However, this solution would be a disadvantage for women in jobs requiring much physical strength.

It is obvious that the problem of gender inequality in the workplace will probably not be tackled quickly. Nevertheless, government and the community should pay more attention and take action now. Especially, the government should be the leader in changing thinking of companies so that they will more concerned on women's equality.
Red Moon 14 / 32 6  
Aug 19, 2018   #2
Hi, welcome to the forum. I'm not a native speaker but I hope that my advice is useful for you.
There is one mistake in your introduction about yourself. beginer is wrong. It should be "beginner".
Overall, I think your essay is quite easy to read and has a solid structure as well as a lot of transitions. However, I think you should give more examples in your essay and reduce redundant information.

For example, this sentence:
Nevertheless, government and the community ...
I think it would be fine if you cut out this sentence and keep the one after. The meaning doesn't change much.
To further ... productivity, not their gender.That means ... they are.

I have found some small mistakes in your essay:
... and lack of promotion
based on employees' productivity
have the chance to get higher positions.

concerned about women's equality
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,669 4754  
Aug 20, 2018   #3
@ptnlytqnho as a matter of policy, contributors refrain from scoring the first essay of a first time user of this forum. That is because the first essay tends to be problematic and not very good. I will first offer you an observation of your work and its problem points and how to fix it. After that, you have a chance to fix your mistakes by addressing these in your next practice essay, which I will then score. So, here we go...

You did a relatively good job with the opening paraphrase, It is different enough from the original prompt to qualify as a rendition of the topic and discussion instructions in your own understanding. However, there are instances when your statements could be clearer in order to create a clearer presentation of your statement.

This is a direct response essay based on only one point of view. While your reasoning is sound in support of your stance, you made an error in the presentation because you added a contradiction statement at the end of your body paragraphs. It is not the job of the direct question essay to discuss the topic in a comparative manner. That is done in a comparison essay. Your direct discussion essay should focus only on strengthening your stance or your side of the discussion, regardless of any possible contradictions or questions that could be posed about your argument.

Your closing statement isn't really a good closing summary because you did not properly summarize the previous discussion as part of the closing remarks. So that is another negative aspect of your writing. The summary of the discussion is always used in the concluding paragraph in order to drive home your discussion points and reiterate your point of view. Since you cannot continue to explain the topic in the concluding paragraph, it is always recommended that you do not present any new ideas that will need further discussion in that paragraph.
OP ptnlytqnho 4 / 8 2  
Aug 20, 2018   #4
Thank you very much.

I am confused about my error in contradiction statements at the end of my body paragraphs. I read the sample essay in Collins's writing book. Please see the image below.

Also, I have a question for you. If I delete the last sentence in the conclusion, will it be alright?

Jimmy879873 26 / 55 13  
Aug 21, 2018   #5
@Ptnly, how to write your essay depending on the topic instruction given rather using the same formula of writing technique to every essay. This is a direct response essay, meaning that you will only need to answer the question in an appropriate manner.

Question: In your view, what should be done to promote equality of opportunity for men and women in the workplace?
Your answer: The government should force....... this solution takes a long time to success. Having said that, there is a problem for the government....

You see, the topic merely asks for the solution, and yet, you provide extra irrelevant information in your both body paragraphs because of the writing format that you followed. I believe you thought this is an advantage vs disadvantage essay which it is not the case.

It is not about deleting the last sentence in your summary in this context, it is about restating the topic, mentioning your main points once again and nothing else. This is what a summary for. Therefore, presenting a new idea should be done in body paragraphs rather than in the concluding statements.

.....set a good example for private companies.
Referring private companies while you are discussing about the pay should base on employees' productivity is not quite accurate in the paragraph as there is no comparison between public or private in this instance.

Aside from these mistakes, you showed that you have clear reasonings and were able to stick with one idea per paragraph, so you should keep on writing as it will help you become better.

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